update

briefly...

I have 50/50 custody

Semester is over for school

I am working Gero/Psych at St. Luke's Hospital on the weekends
Fri, Sat, Sun 7p-7a boy I am exhausted too!

I am not so really ready for christmas...

It is 2a and my girls are driving me crazy... they think it is time to get up not cool
I can't go to sleep

I made a head board out of blue christmas lights

Tristan is going to be 5 next month

My hair is short with blond highlights :)

I am finding out why I work the way I work... it is interesting.

I love my friends!

will update further now I don't have school Yeah me!

Moving on to the next step!

Ok so I thought it would be official by now, but I still have one more step to plow through. 5 more people to weed out. It is a group interview and a few paragraphs on why I want to be a Nurse. I was thinking why do I want to be a nurse? What draws me to feel that I can do it or even be good at it? I originally wanted to be an art teacher. Ok? I was (so I think) awesome at drawing being creative etc... So what else could be easier in college? So, I left for college only to party my way right out the door of being an art teacher. I came home to realize that I would not make that much money teaching art. I didn't really want to deal with High School'ers and their lovely attitudes. What next? Chef. ?? possibility. Thought about it and really didn't like the hours for the money... Well, then I could be a Nurse. My sister is a nurse I could do it if she can why not?? I don't get bothered by blood... maybe just a little spit up from the cutest baby in the world but beyond that all the other stuff is just human. and really NEAT! I have always enjoyed watching my blood being taken I just think it is the neatest thing that could ever happen. That doesn't make me a great nurse. I have been accused by my mom of not having a good bedside manner but I have found since taking the CNA course that I ROCK!!! I have found that compassion it takes to be a GREAT Nurse. I really want to make a difference. (and lots of money) So lets compile a list:
People skills
ambitious-- aka self driven ( i like to put those both down though they are the same)
Multitasker
calm under stressful situations
fast learner
problem solver
Great smile
pretty eyes...
lol j/k

this is really hard After receiving the news though and seeing that I have done it and can move forward that why not keep going?? Just keep going on to medical school and be a doctor?? I would love to do that. I love emergency medicine. Then again the nurse in the emergency medicine side gets alot of hands on stuff. Possible surgery I don't know. So many options. I am excited to have a passion to work on. I am given an opportunity to make a difference now I can take it and RUN with it to a point of no return to make these changes happen.

1 day ugh.

Ok the suspense is killing me. I wonder if it really will be here tomorrow?? 2 weeks is long enough to compile some scores together don't ya think especially with scan trons.. come on. Tomorrow I should know something. Last night I looked up some diets and I am officially on one. NO FRIED foods NO SODAS. and lots of water < yuck! I can do it. I need to get out and walk 2 miles today and with the rain like it is I may not but then again a nap does sound good... LOL wow this is going to be a fun road eh. I did my 75 curl ups last night and I forgot to do my push ups. All this is part of my plan B if something were to go horrible wrong in court. Will go more into that come Oct. 2nd. I need to drop 40lbs. and I can do it just going to take some hard work. which I left my hard boiled eggs out this morning I guess they will be ok. :) throwing them in the fridge now. laters!!!

Contact me!

I know many of you said you would do whatever it took to help. Here is your time. I need you!!! I need you in person to testify in court before the judge on your interactions with me and my children How you feel that the children have had a quality life with me and there should not ever be a question in anything but :) etc....

How you are there for us....
How whatever you have seen you find a good thing I don't know. I just need my back up support group now!!

alive, drepressed, and finding that word lonely creeping...

Yet, then again, I am able to move forward. On the 3rd I took my PSB aka, Nursing (RN) Entrance exam. I had an amazing weekend prior to it and just really feel like it may have been a good week over all. Then I made the mistake of thinking I could possibly be 'dating' someone and asked them that... LOL lets put it this way. I haven't heard from them again since then lol. ok. I know I am a single mom but am I missing something?? I guess so. I am ok with that. It gives me something else to laugh at. :) So my lonely feeling can just stick around. I need a dog. I think I am going to go see my doc and say look i need a dog give me a reason to get one beyond me saying I need one. I think I am going to look for a well trained and house broken one that needs lots of love.

Depression. Yikes. I might say I have it. lol ya think. On the 8th I really felt beyond control of it all. Tears of break down tears. I had to do a shout out for some prayers to even get it under control. My girls pulled it together for me and HE IS AMAZING. the tears stopped. I gave it to Him. I am exhausted of the emotional twisting he has shoved down my throat. I was given an ultimatum Monday that I never in a million years thought I would ever hear. It involved doing things to get my girls back that I refuse to do. I will not sink to that level any more 3 and a half years is enough I fell for it over and over again. I am not on my own any more and I will not tolerate it. My spirit is stronger then what it has ever been. I live with a spirit of grace and peace. "my feet are grounded in peace" I know I forget that to many times in a day but sitting here I KNOW it. The devil blinds us. He attacks us. He tries to damage us in ways we never thought possible. (or at least I thought)

Test I find out if I made one of the ten spots on the 17th. Nervous. Ha. understatement. So far for this semester I have an A average. I take my state boards for butt wiping on the 24th. My graduation party for that class is on the 30th.

busy wednesday month for sure! Glad only 2 more left or I am not sure I could handle many more of them. :) hehehe

GREAT NEWS the Guardian at litem is coming Sunday after Church!!! That is the attorney that speaks on the behalf of my babies. He comes to the home and sees the babies and how they enter act in my home and with me. I couldn't be happier for someone to see my side that isn't bias. I love all of you but bias does come naturally. Speaking of which I am needing people to testify on my behalf in court. Please contact me ok??

totally amazing!

Ok I know we have talked about being real before but we are going to again. The crazy thing is that the day before I was on the phone with a friend and one of the questions is do you go to church? that was my question... I know church doesn't get you anywhere but it seems the easiest of the questions to get the ball rolling towards God. So we get talking about how hypocritical people are in the church. How fake they are and how they never felt like church reached out to the people it was there for the best fakers to show off.

So Sunday morning we get dressed and go to church (Tristan and I) Tristan goes over to the little man side and I head into shanemus prime's rockstar bar. (will add to that in a sec) The band had it together for the last time with Jason and Paige. Congrats and best wishes to them both they really have touched my life through music. Last sunday we Blasted away this sunday we raised the roof! The band was together and the music was touching inside!! Yeahhh then Rockstar comes on PUMPED up!!! I would of loved to see if the Tigers had WON!! Wow we would of had build a bigger stage he was on fire!!! the message was strong and it came across very clear! I wish we didn't have a time constraint because there was sooooooooooo much that could of been said and could of totally of been worth hearing. The focus was we all need a place where we can all turn to and be Real, Reminded, Accountable, Confronted, and the most important when we leave Encouraged. When we were listening I felt like a piece of string, a piece of string looking for more strings to come together and be woven together to create a strong rope aka community. If you take one piece of string and tie up a horse and the horse gets spooked what happens?? The string will break after enough force! If it is a woven nylon rope the horse will get spooked and that rope will go under lots of pressure but the likely hood of that rope breaking is slim to none. That rope needs to be us. We have to be able to be real with our community of our church because they will remind us to do right and behave and live in the life Jesus wants. Then inside this strong hold we will have someone we trust that says hey, you trust me and I know you and we need to face what has been going wrong in our life and take the actions to change it!!! Then once our community holds us accountable for our Own mistakes then knowing the struggles we will face we go into the world with encouragement. Each day will not be easy I can give you that straight up. I am not sure if there ever is a day that will be easy, but they seem not nearly as hard because we are that single string being pulled to a point of breaking anymore we are all able to share the bad and lift up the good!

Back to the feeling of a bunch of fakers in church. I use to go to a church where I felt that. I would be so consumed of wondering what everyone was saying about me I can not tell you one thing about any of the sermons I have listened to. I was in my teens then and very vulnerable but still the old ladies would come to sunday school each and every sunday at least 30 to more mins to sit around gossip down stairs. ?? hello we are in church. People went all week in pants and t shirts then they break out the BEST stuff out of their closest and expect that if everyone else didn't do that then they shouldn't be there!!! WHICH IS A BUNCH OF JUNK! Sometimes I do not want to get out of my PJ's after busting my butt all week and you will be lucky if I brush my hair but I still should have a right to come and worship OUR GOD the same one that we claim that is our same God the lover and giver why should you look down your nose and call me out because I don't feel like keeping up with the jones! That is how I use to feel. Now. Ha. I love going to church because when you walk in and there are smiles for EVERYONE! young or old. no panites in a wad over what you have on just thankful that you and your friends are there for the same reason! The creator of Heavens and the Earth! You can't possibly go wrong. you can't. His love will surpass any pair of holey t shirt or stainded pair of shoes that you have. Isn't that amazing. Then to have the ability to have a community to turn to in a time of need or a time of celebration! I love being a part of something that is Real and to the point of viewing God as our Father not focusing on the rest of the crazzzzzzzzzzzzzy world around us, but the peace that he offers us all.

I am so very blessed to be where I am in life and there is sooooo many reasons why and how I got here. A lot of you can look at my life and say how can she say that how does she feel blessed when she has her babies taken away from her and is stalked every day of her life.... because those things are so small in the whole picture. My babies will be back to me. I believe it will be taken care of because it is out of my hands I have given it up to higher powers then my own, and for that I am blessed that I can be able to do that. Because I wake up each and every morning and can say thank you for the sun and the rain and the thought that this time apart from my girls is temporary. :)

You are loved. You are loved by someone that loved you before your parents knew you were going to be born. You are still loved.

another call at midnight

the agreements were to figure out something for agreements on kids.... come to find out it wasn't about them all about me. He stated that since I wasn't willing to agree on coming back to him then there was nothing to work out and proceeded to hang up on me.

:) welcome to my world.

I stopped kissing it... and I lost my girls

I stopped kissing david's butt and made it clear that he and I were no longer together so guess what...


I lost the girls AGAIN. never fails. I give my all into making it work but it wasn't good enough. So then I just give up and that isn't good enough either. I need financial help to be able to go to work I need gas money to survive. I need at least 100 bucks for the guardian at litem now since we are back to court we go. All because I don't want to go back into his lies. all lies. We are supposedly working things out and come to find out he is trying to sweet talk some girl in hooking up in town and on his dating websites which was one of the reasons they took my girls in the first place. I have had enough. There was abuse to me my son and God only knows the mental abuse this is doing to the girls and Tristan too. Tristan is in counseling as it is just to help get some of this to go smoothly with school starting and him having to see me in tears every weekend because we get into an arguement. I can not take this stress... that is why I do not like Sundays the last 2 we had his parents involved and they came into my house while my girls were sleeping and TOOK THEM. Just took them right out from my house because I wanted my mom present with his parents when we were going to sit down and "agree" on the kids Monday. I told him write down his 33 things and I would do mine then we all come together since we all get off at a decent hour and I stated mom didn't until 8 and his mom proceeded to state that B**%WQ WASN'T ALOUD IN HER HOME so she was going to come get the kids and take them to her house. Though no where in my court papers does it state they can have them I let them go so cops wouldn't be the ones handing them over. I can't do this without tears. Money has been the issue then to come to find out they are going to put them in the same day care where I had them just that I can't pick them up. Nor would they let me just give them to them in the morning they had to have them and drag them out into the night. It is all about money. David wanted to know why I didn't make any body else responsible for the kids. Patrick or Tristan real blood because that was part of the agreement. I was working when I left Patrick and I could take care of one child on my own and he gave Tristan his name that was our agreement. David blessed me with 2 angels and he wanted to be a part of their life or so I thought. He almost agreed to selling the kids to me... ??? what person in their right mind would do such a thing. He wants my daddy's tool box I told him he could buy me out of my half of the house he then states well does that mean I keep what is in the house? There is my fathers tool box inside that is worth 120,000 dollars. I told him he could buy it from me then he states that is all that is was going to take I told him he could have the car back and I would give him the half of the house... he actually considered it. What a sicko. Then calls me at 11:41pm at night and cusses me out for not telling him where and what was going on with Tristan's school or where he was going... all lies. which he is going to win in court again because he has money and I don't. Again I don't do anything good enough for him. I told him. over and over his schedule and yet he forgets but it is my fault. All of this is about to explode in my face and I have NO control of any of it. I guess that is what happens to poor people that break their back to better themselves so they don't have to ask anyone for help yet since they have asked for it or are use to having it there, but with strings attached it is wrong... oh god help me please please one can only go through so much of this turmoil please just some truth in all these lies. Some justice in this plague of wrongs. My tongue is my nuice and I fall into the rope so many times. with just enough for my toes to dangle so I don't loose all air. less then 2 years I will be making some mad cash and none of these worries or pain will strike me again.

50 Things About Me

Friday, April 11, 2008
50 Things About Me

1. I am 25 at the time of writing this.
2. I love to bake.
3. I teach cake decorating for Wilton
4. I am a mother to 3 kids.
5. I am a sister.
6. I have been divorced.
7. I have been engaged 3 times.
8. I LOVE mexican food. Can eat there all the time.
9. I want to learn how to cook it.
10. I am a horrible cook.
11. If I did not have kids to nourish I would eat cereal 3x's a day.
12. I love techno music break beats mostly, but Drum and Bass rocks too.
13. I have a half brother
14. I have a half sister
15. I have an adopted brother that is super cool.!
16. I have been in court.
17. I just got my first speeding ticket in years.
18. I made a 98.1 in my CNA class. #1 baby!
19. I have incredible friends.
20. I am an aunt to 6.
21. I like sushi.
22. I have never been really married. Signed paper work but never said vows or exchanged rings so I don't think of myself ever being married.
23. I have owned 2 wedding dresses
24. I have never worn either one of them.
25. I take my entrance exam for Nursing school on Sept 3.
26. My son starts K4 this year 2008.
27. My girls turn 2 in October.
28. I have a job!!!!!
29. I am going to be financially stable within the next 3 years!
30. I have a tool box worth 120,000 that I need to sale!
31. I don't know how to work on cars.
32. I can and have changed a flat tire!
33. I currently have a nail in my tire which is causing a flat to re occur but I don't have the money to fix it quite yet!
34. I made my first wedding cake for a paying customer.
35. It fell on my way there from the heat.
36. I have my first refund from a wedding cake order.
37. I feel absolutely horrible about it.
38. I made an awesome scooby cake afterwards to get back "in the saddle" so to say.
39. I still feel horrible about ruining a lovely gals' wedding :(
40. I never knew how much power a wedding cake could offer at a wedding.
41. I will never offer cream cheese icing in the middle of summer.
42. I do not enjoy wiping old people butts.
43. I have found that compassion in caring for people.
44. I think I really like it, and it warms my heart knowing I can bring smiles to people that may not have close family to do so.
45. I never thought I had such things inside me.
46. I know the 'touch' of edema
47. Our elders do know more then us if we listen to them long enough they have moments of brilliantness in them.
48. I am not stopping after I get my RN
49. I will be a Nurse Practitioner. **even though I had to spell check it.
50. Can't wait to start making money to be able to give back to the people that have helped me through these really bad times and pay back those that have helped me financially.

Another Sunday....ugh.

Ugh is for the personal life I promise! Not for the church life. Which they seem to coexist because with out church I would have possibly thought of ways of beheading my ex. Yes MY EX!! Ex. I don't think that is clear enough. I doubt he ever has read any of my thoughts but for some reason he thinks that I would be able to make something of our past. Church allows me to have a way to look beyond the darkness of the 'now' and gives me a sense of being.

It was really strange today I had to be at work from 7-11am and I was with an absolutely fascinating patient. We talked about church and children and how there are sunday people that put on their christian clothes and go to church each sunday and the kids learn about jesus and the bible and His word, but come tuesday or wednesday that Sunday has worn off/away and they loose what they say they are and the kids grow up to be able to accept wrong doings readily because what kids are taught is what they LEARN in the home. We as adults send our kids to school thinking they are learning what they are taught. NO really they aren't they learn what they see on a daily basis. They only see their teachers 5 days a week they see us the parents 7 days a week. This concept scares the heck out of me! My son sees his 'dad' treat his mom like crap and puts mom in tears to a point of rage that words come out that shouldn't be spoken. He sees his 'dad' disrespect his mom in all forms. He learns the tension that is in the home after these episodes. The example that my patient gave me was that the parents were done wrong and the father finally found a way to get the other people back that saturday and in a way they would never know how they got stabbed in the back. I took my example a little further. I went through some horrible emotions today not knowing where my children were at other then to find out that they were in Lake Greenwood where my ex fiance's kid's birthday party was at. no not my ex. My first love. My first love of my life the one that I thought about every day up till I saw him happy with his family. I literally thought about how it would of been if I hadn't left for college and broken up with him. my current ex contacted him trying to get dirt on me. Come to find out why he hates me so much he thinks I cheated on him with a guy from Kinko's. No I only cheated on the most recent. I cheated out of pain and disgust of the current living situation. wrong yes. Most certainly. Would I do it again. No. I will never be in a relationship like i was in either.!!! So how does this all tie together is....

cranking up my life in a focused and guided way. Priority in prayer and dedication to our God. I am not diligent like I should be. I give thanks on days that are rainy and days that are to hot to stand because I am alive and I am able to get out of bed and I can hug and kiss my babies. Do I set aside time to make prayer a sacred time no. If I make prayer a priority I can see how life will have more direction to it. **back to the patient when we are called to change and we don't we suffer greatly. If we go with what life is dealing with us and able to change when the time calls life becomes much greater then what it was.** which I think is a great point to throw in here because with guidance from a power that created this world how can our life not become more then what it is. We do how we have it written to do aka the bible, how can we not over come such minor debilitating life changing experiences. ?? With a given direction we can focus on where we are going. With focus we are able to have priorities but they all go hand and hand. Not so much if you don't like Clemson you are going to hell that kinda hurt but it was good. You had to be there to understand it so next week you are going to have to come to figure out another way to Crank up your life! How are you going to be able to prioritize your life for God? If you pray do you feel that is the only thing you have to do? *hint* NO. Why is my life the way it is if I am praying? Well are you acting on what you say?? Do you ask forgiveness then do the same exact thing you just asked for forgiveness for??? You can't expect God to allow for change if you continue to do things that you ask for forgiveness he gives you that forgiveness over and over again, because he can. He also doesn't have to allow for great things if you don't ACT on your failure to withstand temptation. This is talking alot for me I am glad I am questioning this computer. I think I am going to ask this computer some more stuff and see what magically appears on the screen under my fingers :) ha ha maybe next time. with much love sweet dreams!

OOO Ridge pointe church is where I am able to get all these incredible real life examples of the bible and how it CAN apply to each and every one of us!!! So if you want it first hand come on!!! www.ridgepointechurch.com!

blogging

Ok skipping over momma defense... Left of getting Jesus in the Ghetto. Some of you may know and some don't but I live in the ghetto. We do have this little group of people that come around parading in the neighborhood with a musical thing that pumps back and forth and has a piano keyboard on the side... can not think how to spell it and it starts with an A, and they have little bible study for the kids. That is awesome besides the fact most moms if they care about their kids fear for the danger that they can be exposed to by walking up to the playground for this activity. We have a scary surrounding for children to be brought up in. As a matter of fact there is word that 3 small children have been beaten up because that is the local gang's initiation. I keep my doors and windows locked at all times!!! my wee ones stay inside or at my neighbors which we are all going to school and struggling to make ends meet and raise our kids as safely as possible. God does watch over us we are all together in this same building for a reason and we as a team are coming together and making it happen. My neighbor E has re dedicated her life to Jesus! AMEN! I am so proud of her she is an incredible mother of 5, yes 5, and is also going to school for nursing! I am trying to get her to continue past the LPN program and join me in getting the RN. We will see. I know she can do it but she doubts herself so.

Tomorrow is time for church! yeah. we all know that I am sure I will have something to reflect on. I feel that the passion to share my experience and the drive to explain how it touches me just has to be put in words instead of being trapped inside this steel trap of mine ... lol.

Last night Tristan and I had a slumber party to go to it was Awesome! Our friends offered us to stay over since it was a decent drive and it was going to be a late night (so we thought) :) and we took them up on it. I haven't had such a relaxing and enjoyable time in a really long time. That is really the first time we have had time spent together besides Hi helloooooo and small catch up sessions at church so it was pretty sweet to be able to further develop that relationship. We both have cake decorating LOVE in common too so that was a definite trouble maker for us both :) When I open my bakery she so has a job!!! I have been finding my staff along the way and we are up to 4 including me. I think that will be a perfect starting number I still need some wait staff so let me know!

This morning we went to a Princess Party I know it was awesome! Cinderella herself was live and in person! In living color. too cool the girls got makeup done by her and the boys got pirate tattoos! :)n That was the neatest party I have ever seen. They just get better and better! I think we are going to have to have Tristan's party there too. it is toooooooo cold in Jan to have it at the park and the apartment is just a wee bit on the smaller side for 5 year olds so we will have to keep that in mind *(purty please :) )

I am super depressed about school and clinical. I am not in the right field as of this moment. Nursing homes and wiping butts is just not me. I like hands on but not like that. wow. I knew it was a field for 'special' people but I don't think I am that kind of person now that I am there. maybe because I wipe butts all day and then I go to school and find out there are more to be done. I have seen living skeletons! you see the outlines of the bones in their arms and legs. NO. If I ever look like that and I am peeing in a bag for my last dying days.. put me in the woods and let the bear get me or something at least I would be helping them by providing food for their family?? you know! but to be sooo lonely you just wish someone would stop and talk to you... It kills me. Give me a broken arm or some burned up something and let me provide care to make it as almost as it was given to you. but to assist in your ending days.... I will assist... in finding someone else to help you with that. Then I feel bad for feeling that way. as a nurse you are suppose to have compassion. I walk in there and just no, I just really don't have any I dread for Tuesday and I dread until the clock strikes 9:30 so we can load up in my car and head home. there are others in our class that are AWESOME I mean they get in there and rock out! I walk in and I am a deer in head lights. I know the stuff I know how to do it. It really is common sense until you roll them over and they blow you away with gas. Wowzers. Then you wonder why you have one hand on their side of their hips and the other one gloved and wiping out dirty doo. Have I said UGH yet? yeah I am struggling with making myself continue forward but it is only for a small amount of time and it allows me to continue on beyond this fact of life.

**** anyone know how to fix keys on a lap top?? My enter key I have fixed a few times before but now it is not fixing for me and it is driving me insane! Let me know thanks.

Ok bed time for me 11:00PM on the dot and I got to get up early in the morning :) I have one of the girls from the hood coming tomorrow I am excited I know she will like it even though she doesn't feel young enough to go to kids pointe and not old enough to chill with the biggen's that tween year of life get you every time. She can handle shane I am thinking, she deals with me :) OH and she is an incredible baby sitter! She handled all 3 of mine on a nightly basis and I came in to sleeping babies each and every night with a clean house!!! You can't top that! I love her so!

toodles.

A momma defense...

Ok so I can definitely say my mom has had enough...From a mother's point of view when asked this....


Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:34:43 -0700

what will it take liz? For things to go back to how they were? will they? will you allow, accept, and help?

The answer!

What is wrong with you? I am not in the equation, can you not get that thru your head? You vilified my daughter, took the babies away, put a tracking device on her car, hunted her like a dog, dug up her past, which you had no business doing, none of your business, hurt Tristan, put bruises on his little body, and you have the gall to ask me what will it take?

Everything that is said is twisted by you, you interrogate each and every person, and you ask me that question? The same thing I told you about Kit, time after time after time, just leave me alone. Just leave me alone.

If you are making reference to the very brief phone call last night, the babies were exhausted from being kept up so late this past week and I was trying to get them fed and put to bed at a decent hour. Go by their schedule, not mine. I have nothing to say to you. Kit had told you I was picking up the babies and you calling to checlk if I did. I certainly don't need you to go behind me, checking up on me.

I am not "charmed" by your use of words, your actions tell me more than anything. You do not say one thing that is the truth. So, please, leave me alone. If there is a problem with the children while in my care and I cannot get hold of Kit, then I would call you. Like, if they tore their face up while I was pulling them behind the lawnmower, or let thm fall into the bathtub and get a black eye. You took pictures of Kaines' back where Katie had bitten her, take pictures of Tristan and Kaine while in your care when this happened? Probably not. My, how the screw turns.

I have no use for hypocrites David, guess you have not figured that out, so I will spell it out for you. I do not do double standards, you run your mouth about how much you care and all this crap, and act and do just the opposite.

Please, leave me alone. I have enough to worry and be concerned about without you adding to everything. Haven't you done enough to tear up everything? And yes, I do blame you and let's see if I can get it right , my precious daughter, no, I don't blame her. After dealing with you the little that I have, I do not blame her at all.

Always, Liz


She has had enough and so have I who hasn't?? When lies continue and the danger still lurks, the court still hanging over my head and nothing changing... hmmm. You really think anyone in their right mind could find a positive light out of it?? No and never.

Danger is lurking!

Dangerous Church was the title of today. I have been slack and been spending some time with me mum on Sunday mornings having breakfast... Our special time but I know that church is one hour and you know what... It is an hour that charges each and everyone up to go into this world burning bright each and every week!!!

We had some really good points today. I needed to write the rest of them down because I got stuck on one. Be selfless. ... ... ... I had a whole thing I had wanted to say... and I got a text message from David. How sweet to interrupt my thoughts. He does that so well. Ugh. ok let me see here. Being selfless in our community outside where people view the church as a different part of the world. Our Church coming together and reaching out to give to those that make our community what it is without strings without making a big fuss just reaching and giving when we can. ie. local food bank. Instead of making a food bank because we can... we reach out and help a food bank that is already there and serving good to the community. Instead of saying we are a church so we can do it better so instead we will be selfish and open our own and only give to who we select. No. We help make the one better that is already serving. We help serve to them as they serve to others in a selfless manner. Or go to our local schools and help expand the equipment I vote band stuff but I heard play ground. The arts need more help with funding but if there is a vote i will voice my opinion though i am not sure how loudly I will be heard. As long as we are helping I guess it doesn't matter where it goes does it?? Also, I was thinking going even deeper in the community and seeing what options for the local equal housing developments and see how we can help them and better their play ground equipment for the children of the less privileged families and homes. I know some of the people there would care less but then there are those that are bending over backwards trying to make a difference in their kids lives and a simple gesture like that from a church would be a warm embrace I think. Or give to the neighbor hood as we call it bringing Jesus in the Ghetto. You might not be able to take the kids out of the Ghetto but you can bring Jesus in!!! :) Ok will return with more...

Bragging Rights!!!

Through all this crud that I am having to handle right now check out what else I can do!!!

My Summer classes consisted of Nutrition BIO 255 I finished with a C, I had a small trip to the ER for bronchitis and I missed my final, but I was still able to pull a C out of the class which will transfer and count. :( Then I had a Management course which came out with an A. Then on top of that I have taken a class to become a Certified Nursing Assistant which I took the final exam this past Monday and made a 100 on it. Making my final grade average a 98.1! #1 in the class. I am in shock and I am floating along each day with a smile of achievement.

The fall semesters starts August 19th. I will have another 10 credit hours to go through and hopefully by this time next year I will be able to say I have been accepted into the R.N program!

Tristan starts K4 on August 25th and the girls are learning to use the potty! Kaine used it all by herself this morning! They will be 2 in October. Though we are surrounded by alot of negative I still believe as a team that shares each others weaknesses and strengths when needed my family is able to continue to do well. I know in time we will no longer have this dark cloud sitting on us and I will be able to return all your support you have shared with us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. There are still some haywire things happening and i haven't a clue when those will end.

Bronchitis has been the sickness of the summer. yesterday was my 2nd trip into the ER. I went for my physical for my job!!<:) and had a fever of 100.4 and the lady took me back down to the ER for my third round of antibiotics. It has now turned into subacute bronchitis and I hope that it doesn't go any further.

I have been hired by a local agency called Community Health Connection, as a Nurses Aides, for In-home care. I haven't gotten my CNA license yet but they want to get me on board now and get me working so they can just increase my pay upon receiving my license. Which at that time I will then apply at our local hospital for the Geriatric/ psych unit.

I think that is all the exciting and newest of news for you!

A weekend of loneliness...

Orders are in. I had to relinquish custody of the girls at 6pm Friday July 18, 2008. I met him at Polk County Sheriff's place. Glad I did he of course tried to "talk" again. Which if you don't know any ofthis you know that is all he says he wants to do is "talk" it usually consists of the same thing over and over again and doesn't go anywhere other then alot of hurt feelings and nothing accomplished. alot of aquasitions that get you NO where but many circles of headaches and tears.

Tears wow. that is an understatement. My heart has been removed. My eyes are swollen and my head is spinning in directions I have never known it to spin. I feel like I have been ripped apart and left in the dessert. The heat dries the tears and blood as everything shrivels up to nothing. It is a test of time. A test of how much I trust in the ways of God. I know there is a reason for it. I understand that I don't have a job, but I am going to school for nursing to become more sufficient at having a job so i am not making minimum wage somewhere. Just don't understand why the children are put in the abusers home???

They are there I am here. I do what the judge says and move forward to better myself and do what is right in the eyes of the law. So I can get my babies back. I know I am the better parent and they were growing stronger with me. Staying out of daycare but in time it will show. God please place angels on those babies for their safety and well being.

Pray for them and me while this time is moving by.... then for Tristan that is suffering the most out of us all.

Great article...

Holy disordered

My congregation were not impressed when a tramp staggered into Sunday service. Not one of them offered to help me
All comments (60)

* Reverend Rigby
*
o Derek Rigby
o guardian.co.uk,
o Monday July 14, 2008
o Article history

As a Methodist minister, I'm always looking for new ideas to illustrate an old message in an effective and memorable way. Dressing up as a tramp one Sunday this month illustrated the Biblical account of the road to Emmaus, when the disciples failed to recognise Jesus. The media covered the drama of the occasion well - but nothing could have prepared me for the reaction I was to receive from my congregation at Trinity Methodist Church in Prestatyn.

The message of unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and the universality of the Gospel is preached weekly from the pulpits up and down the country. The practice, it seems, is not so easily grasped! Unshaven and in clothes bought from a charity shop and splashed with lager, I looked different, I certainly smelt different and I behaved in a quiet, intoxicated way - but obviously not in a way that would ensure I was unconditionally accepted into the House of God.

Now, I understood that some of the congregation would be concerned for their personal safety issue when a tramp tried to enter the church, but surely distant concern would have been preferable to a look of condemnation, and a spirit of acceptance - if only conditional - to an attempt to erase all signs of my presence with bleach. Getting into the church proved much more difficult than I anticipated. Those on "welcome" duty looked daggers at me and sent me scurrying away in an efforts to protect their cars from a man who was clearly trying to steal them, even if he couldn't stand upright for long.

Eventually I got as far as the entrance of the church. Behind a glass screen I saw for the first time the care and compassion in the eyes of some of those present – as well as some expressions that led me to question the purpose of this place.

About 20 minutes into the service, I began to bring the drama to a climax. During a hymn, I shuffled forwards to the front of the church. I felt every eye burning into me. When I finally removed my hat and wig, the sigh of relief was audible. It was followed by spontaneous applause. Without having to speak a word, I had managed to communicate a deep message: we all look different on the outside, but on the inside we are essentially the same, needing love, acceptance and fellowship.

After the service some people apologised, while others tried to justify their suspicious reaction. Of course, I am aware that approaching a tramp can feel risky, but folks could have initiated a chain of events that would bring help and care to one in such obvious need. During my career in the police force I met many homeless people. They provided a wealth of information about local crime. Often these folks would share their life story with me. On many occasions they had been successful in their chosen career, got married, had children, a house, a car - but something went wrong, and they found themselves on the street, alone, without the capacity or ability to begin to climb the socially acceptable ladder back to normal life. At times many of us are just a couple of steps from losing everything.

Thursday...

Ok I was suppose to go to work at 7 this morning and I am reallllllllly upset that I couldn't AFFORD to go to work. HOW screwy is this??? I could not afford to go to work. It is 15 mins away at Staples in Hendersonville. I LOVE LOVE LOVED it!! TOTALLY! the people were awesome warm and were beyond excited to have me there! Kinda like going to church! It was a wild experience. Wednesday I went in and took the kids to day care for the first time in their life. When I got there they were like I need a check for 63 dollars from today. (I DON"T HAVE IT IN THERE BUT I WROTE IT) I was like OK> wow. If I pay 63 dollars today and 63 dollars tomorrow and 63 dollars Friday.... HOW IN THE WORLD. Of course their father came up with an excuse that I didn't put them in a day care in SC so he didn't feel he should have to help me. It is 40 dollars cheaper down there BUT I would make it up in gas. Plus my friends wouldn't be able to help me come time for clinicals. His friends said they would help. One has 5 kids or something like that and then the other one smoke. NO. I don't think so. Oh and his parents... his mom calls my kids Bas***d children and she hates my guts. Right like I really want my kids around her either. fyi as of thursday of last week the 3rd she still felt that way, still from Sept. 2007. wow. The kids don't need that kind of tension they have been through enough this year in changes they don't need that horrible feeling of knowing that someone hates you.

So anyways I had to call out completely on my second day of work. I just want to feel real again. Not dependent on this boy that has done everything in his weak power to ruin me but it isn't going to work. I hold my head high and I carry my self with pride.

Through all this going on... I made the highest grade in my nursing class on our first test. It was an 87. not so good but I am proud that it is the highest! One other girl made a 87 as well so I guess I wasn't the only highest but what I have been through this week Thank you GOD for allowing me to have my focus on what is going to allow me to move forward in life! OH and an 81 on my nutrition test. :)

Well I must end this the twins are screaming at the top of their lungs because they want in my lap! Then they get in my lap they fight over it so no to both!

will continue... much love.

Find Community C, C, C

Ok community in my book and then preached on at church?????????????????? Shane you must be reading more then my blog!

Refrigerator buddies do not start with a C nor do bare feet buddies. Will discuss more on that

I will continue with my book tomorrow. I am going to bed with happy thoughts of tomorrow Positive. Strong and faithful that the Lord has truly kept my cheeks dry for there is no fear to cry over nor is there any worries to stress over. Prayers keep us strong and heads held high! (community of prayers) More then One prayer. Real prayers. the support and love of the community. Just really creepy but soooooooo true. I will go in more detail tomorrow!

10:00AM

Love, Peace and keeping the pedal to the carpet covered metal!

Independence Day!

Rock out!!! I am glad today is a day of independence it represents alot more then just for our USA for me. I can put double meaning behind it. Six months being single and striving to better my life for my kids! First time since college I have lived by myself it is harder then you think! Then again rhythm is the key. Once you take your step to the right direction just keep it consistent.

Ok. I am not a big reader but I have to read alot for school so my reading time is limited to my "office hours" I am reading "There Are No Mistakes" by Eleanor Wiley was a ragging alcoholic that had to face alot to be able to accept life for what it is. it was sent to me by a lovely lady that I met from working in Greenville many a years she is also the first person that knew I was having twins< she rocks!! Thus far the chapters I have read have been fabulous.
1. Honor Where You Came From I don't remember reading this part yet... the authors intro said take the chapters as you find them interesting...
2. own you Own Pain, Hurt, and Vulnerability< Yeah haven't gotten to that one yet either... I need to good part of getting REAL
3. Accept Yourself! This was a very long chapter it had alot of hard facts to face... what you get back what you put out! So you really have to stop and make yourself think what do you really want back in life when you stop being so careless and self loathing do you want everyone else to treat you like that or do you want to give it all so when there comes a time in life and you may be on the other side of that giving you will be taken care of by great care givers. Acceptence is not a way of saying "I GIVE UP" this focused on aging and getting older... during her process of dealing with her alcoholism she would say "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" That those that have made peace in life are those that they one of the only constants in life is CHANGE. As long as you remain resilient and flexible and move with grace from one situation to another. Resilience is taught by the school of hard knocks! Accepting our Feelings and STOP denying them to be discussed. Accept that you made a wrong choice... Wow this is a great part... this had a long example but the end was that taking a great leap of faith offers us a chance to discover our own strengths, learn from our intuition and it jolts us awake and it calls on us to accept ourselves as we are!!! Accepting that we don't have to = and often Can't do it all! Our generation is a great example of this. Keeping up with the Jones... you got to slow down enjoy your family and friends more then the material side of the american dream. Pracitce I'm Okay. Saying thank you without excuses. Just Say THANK YOU. Accepting what we are good at! Don't down play it. when someone admires your work believe them. accept their admiration and if you enjoy it DO IT! Don't put it aside as a favorite past time you can't help that you are good at what you do. God gave us that talent and we need to make sure we are keeping it warm and not forgotten about!

Told you that was a long chapter...
4. Tell your Story- and Allow it to evolve
this chapter covers what causes us to stop sharing our stories, Make sure it is factual, that feeling of being a burden > I hate sharing my story sometimes it makes people feel uncomfortable and if they can't help then they feel guilty of something odd... it is really weird to see people's faces change when something not the most pleasant is shared. Owning our part, Finding the right place for sharing your pain, then the only constant is Change.
5. Laugh at yourself
When you are able to see the lighter side of your life it does get easier. Then again don't laugh then cry on the inside...
6. Find Community

I am just starting on this chapter but thus far it is looking like networking your life and becoming part of something beyond yourself.

I will keep you guys posted on this it seems hitting home at the most perfect of times.

I am going to go to bed I was suppose to be doing home work We have done over 17 chapters these past 4 days and Monday is the first day to wear our scrubs... yeah!!! I am going to be feeling and looking like a real nurse... Hi, may I please take your temperature :) hehehehe After Monday I will be able to do blood pressure and I am officially can wash my hands properly ;) and I got a big paper due tomorrow and another job interview at 2. Hopefully they will offer more then 7p/h. If not then the hunt will continue! Wish me luck! I have been dying to share this book on here every time I read it I say OOO I want to share that... I don't think I covered all that I really wanted to say about it but I will go chapter by chapter now... there is only 12 chapters so we will be done shortly :) love and kisses to my invisible readers.

Duck and roll

Ok so I know now why they say roll with the punches! THEY HURT ALOT LESS! So I am going and rolling. Nothing to major I can do this. It will be fine. My life will be ok and my children are sound and secure as always. Why can I say that? Because I know each day I wake up that my children are my priority for the day. That my life evolves around their needs and no one can come in and change that! EVER. The four of us make each other possible. Without them who knows where I would be at, probably not pushing myself to better my self independence. What would be the point, I am sure I would be making plenty of money working at Fedex Kinko's I would probably be in Atlanta where single women would prosper in the world of friends. I really couldn't tell you or in the military maybe the Navy. I know I would be a lot skinner but I have some of the most blessed rolls I could ever ask for because they were stretched out to accommodate some of the most blessed individuals I could ever ask to be given.

Attorney equals money I don't have. = HUGE issue on defending myself against an unstable individual. = I can do this! I really don't know anyone else that could... I can. I know I can.

Just got Sued.

... bring it on face these iron fists of passion these are my babies your best bet is to back down! Become the coward that you are and hide your rat infested ways. The food a roach eats is only the start of your better side...

My heart races at the possibilities of outcomes. Bottom of the ninth and bases are loaded.... Is it over the fence? the crowd is in silence waiting for the split second to release their edge of their seat suspense.

more to come when I know more after 2:30pm pray!

Second day in a row!

Sunday, June 29, 2008 4:46PM

We got up and went to church this morning! A few minutes late getting in but all was worth it! Wow have I been missing that place! I have had some weird feelings about going back, but I am glad I took that giant leap of faith and went. The music, people, and message! I guess it should be changed around a bit, but we are all sinners going to our refuge spot to get shaken up a bit and refocused on the week ahead! I have truly missed having that weekly smack around by Shane! Shane is my ADD pastor that is real with life and just really hits home. Though this morning my head felt like I was swimming trying to keep up with him but the whole gist of it I think was be REAL! Stop trying to cover up your past and face it, fix it, and have FAITH in God and what he has planned for you since the moment you were conceived. Being real. That is easier said then done. Since my moment of becoming single and moving forward I have met some really interesting people, one in particular got pulled from the wreckage I guess you can say and my ex has dug this poor kids entire wrap sheet out. I am ashamed that he went and did what he did, but seeing this kids past and being able to meet the man he has stepped up to be. I am proud to say I know him. His wrap sheet is longer then most toilet paper rolls we have in our bathroom with alot of stuff none of us would want another person to know about. I blushed when my ex laid it all out in front of me, embarrassed that a person I felt was my friend could be raked over the coals AGAIN by a stranger because of me. It hurts. In the long run I look at this guy with a whole new view point. If he can change to the better like he has on his own. WOW this guy is something to be proud to know! Each person we encounter is for a reason. What reason we never really know the whole picture sometimes. It takes a lot to step back and over look alot of our past, but today wasn't about over looking it. It was becoming real with it and changing for the better. I will get to the point eventually, sorry. Facing what we have done and being Real with the past present and future. One day when I become well enough off I am going to buy myself one of those 3 stone diamond rings that represent the past present future and when I look down I know that all three exist because I am who I am and I face each day with many choices to make and I am the only one that can do what is right or make excuses for why I chose the wrong way. In the long run why make excuses? Who are we fooling? The one we are trying to fool already knows what we did and why so be real and get real with life. If you make a mistake for what ever moment of temptation we fall for the moment you snap out of stupidity get on your knees and ask for forgiveness for HE loves us and without that light what is the point of reality? There is nothing but a dark hole to finish in if we don't get real.


Tomorrow starts the first day of CNA classes. Last week was our CPR stuff which I am now able to legally save your life! scary I know. I can't wait till I can get in and do it for real!!! I am thinking maybe ER, Flight line or be a paramedic on the side?? who knows they all sound absolutely fascinating! Don't they?

Ok I don't know who is more ADD shane or myself.

The slacker that I am...

I guess you can say slacker I am going with altered time warrior. Sounds fun.?? lol. I have tons of friends that can blog almost every day. Sometimes I wonder is it really that easy? Here is my 3rd attempt to get a blog rolling maybe it will be come a habit??

I am going to start with June 23, 2008. I started my first night in my Nursing Assistant class. I am super stoaked. It is one of my requirements to get into the RN program at Isothermal Community College. Greenville Tech did not require it so I feel i am a bit behind but I can live with it. By that Thursday I was CPR certified in Adult and Infant! Yeah Me! I am moving forward in life. I have been given mountains to cross and with each and every step I am able to look up and know that my life wouldn't be what it is today without the help of God. I am still a bit fearful to leave the relms of my apartment complex but with time I will get stronger and more head strong to do such things.

Today I had a job interview!!! It was a SUCCESSFUL one at that! The 2 managers that were interviewing me were both ready to hire me and get me on board with them. The best they could offer me was 7 dollars. I know that sounds selfish of me to say I will not work for that, but I am a single mother of 3 kids with an interesting ex that doesn't always live up to his words. I am going to have to work for them to be in day care, but I can't make less then what the day care is going to charge me to have them in there. 85 dollars per week per child. That breaks down to 1020 per month. He is require to pay half. No guarantees there, the past behavior is a sample of his current behavior I can almost guarantee his future behavior if you know what I mean. Which stinks for the kids sake but I am learning how to roll with the punches. I am growing stronger each day from my need for him. Becoming single, and becoming a single mom are WHOA wow what a difference. Not even a single mom, a single mom to 3. The need for support is an understatement, Mentally, financially. There are people that you find that you never knew were such awesome people. They were that smiling face you knew but just didn't ever REALLY know! There is a reason for everything... God knows what he is doing. Let me put it this way. I live in the Ghetto. I have found 2 really strong women in the same exact place I am in, and we together will work as a team with our kids and get through this. We will move up and become stronger and wiser women and learn to love in a new way.

50 Things About Me

1. I am 25 at the time of writing this.
2. I love to bake.
3. I teach cake decorating for Wilton
4. I am a mother to 3 kids.
5. I am a sister.
6. I have been divorced.
7. I have been engaged 3 times.
8. I LOVE mexican food. Can eat there all the time.
9. I want to learn how to cook it.
10. I am a horrible cook.
11. If I did not have kids to nourish I would eat cereal 3x's a day.
12. I love techno music break beats mostly, but Drum and Bass rocks too.
13. I have a half brother
14. I have a half sister
15. I have an adopted brother that is super cool.!
16. I have been in court.
17. I just got my first speeding ticket in years.
18. I made a 98.1 in my CNA class. #1 baby!
19. I have incredible friends.
20. I am an aunt to 6.
21. I like sushi.
22. I have never been really married. Signed paper work but never said vows or exchanged rings so I don't think of myself ever being married.
23. I have owned 2 wedding dresses
24. I have never worn either one of them.
25. I take my entrance exam for Nursing school on Sept 3.
26. My son starts K4 this year 2008.
27. My girls turn 2 in October.
28. I have a job!!!!!
29. I am going to be financially stable within the next 3 years!
30. I have a tool box worth 120,000 that I need to sale!
31. I don't know how to work on cars.
32. I can and have changed a flat tire!
33. I currently have a nail in my tire which is causing a flat to re occur but I don't have the money to fix it quite yet!
34. I made my first wedding cake for a paying customer.
35. It fell on my way there from the heat.
36. I have my first refund from a wedding cake order.
37. I feel absolutely horrible about it.
38. I made an awesome scooby cake afterwards to get back "in the saddle" so to say.
39. I still feel horrible about ruining a lovely gals' wedding :(
40. I never knew how much power a wedding cake could offer at a wedding.
41. I will never offer cream cheese icing in the middle of summer.
42. I do not enjoy wiping old people butts.
43. I have found that compassion in caring for people.
44. I think I really like it, and it warms my heart knowing I can bring smiles to people that may not have close family to do so.
45. I never thought I had such things inside me.
46. I know the 'touch' of edema
47. Our elders do know more then us if we listen to them long enough they have moments of brilliantness in them.
48. I am not stopping after I get my RN
49. I will be a Nurse Practitioner. **even though I had to spell check it.
50. Can't wait to start making money to be able to give back to the people that have helped me through these really bad times and pay back those that have helped me financially.