A weekend of loneliness...

Orders are in. I had to relinquish custody of the girls at 6pm Friday July 18, 2008. I met him at Polk County Sheriff's place. Glad I did he of course tried to "talk" again. Which if you don't know any ofthis you know that is all he says he wants to do is "talk" it usually consists of the same thing over and over again and doesn't go anywhere other then alot of hurt feelings and nothing accomplished. alot of aquasitions that get you NO where but many circles of headaches and tears.

Tears wow. that is an understatement. My heart has been removed. My eyes are swollen and my head is spinning in directions I have never known it to spin. I feel like I have been ripped apart and left in the dessert. The heat dries the tears and blood as everything shrivels up to nothing. It is a test of time. A test of how much I trust in the ways of God. I know there is a reason for it. I understand that I don't have a job, but I am going to school for nursing to become more sufficient at having a job so i am not making minimum wage somewhere. Just don't understand why the children are put in the abusers home???

They are there I am here. I do what the judge says and move forward to better myself and do what is right in the eyes of the law. So I can get my babies back. I know I am the better parent and they were growing stronger with me. Staying out of daycare but in time it will show. God please place angels on those babies for their safety and well being.

Pray for them and me while this time is moving by.... then for Tristan that is suffering the most out of us all.

Great article...

Holy disordered

My congregation were not impressed when a tramp staggered into Sunday service. Not one of them offered to help me
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* Reverend Rigby
*
o Derek Rigby
o guardian.co.uk,
o Monday July 14, 2008
o Article history

As a Methodist minister, I'm always looking for new ideas to illustrate an old message in an effective and memorable way. Dressing up as a tramp one Sunday this month illustrated the Biblical account of the road to Emmaus, when the disciples failed to recognise Jesus. The media covered the drama of the occasion well - but nothing could have prepared me for the reaction I was to receive from my congregation at Trinity Methodist Church in Prestatyn.

The message of unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance and the universality of the Gospel is preached weekly from the pulpits up and down the country. The practice, it seems, is not so easily grasped! Unshaven and in clothes bought from a charity shop and splashed with lager, I looked different, I certainly smelt different and I behaved in a quiet, intoxicated way - but obviously not in a way that would ensure I was unconditionally accepted into the House of God.

Now, I understood that some of the congregation would be concerned for their personal safety issue when a tramp tried to enter the church, but surely distant concern would have been preferable to a look of condemnation, and a spirit of acceptance - if only conditional - to an attempt to erase all signs of my presence with bleach. Getting into the church proved much more difficult than I anticipated. Those on "welcome" duty looked daggers at me and sent me scurrying away in an efforts to protect their cars from a man who was clearly trying to steal them, even if he couldn't stand upright for long.

Eventually I got as far as the entrance of the church. Behind a glass screen I saw for the first time the care and compassion in the eyes of some of those present – as well as some expressions that led me to question the purpose of this place.

About 20 minutes into the service, I began to bring the drama to a climax. During a hymn, I shuffled forwards to the front of the church. I felt every eye burning into me. When I finally removed my hat and wig, the sigh of relief was audible. It was followed by spontaneous applause. Without having to speak a word, I had managed to communicate a deep message: we all look different on the outside, but on the inside we are essentially the same, needing love, acceptance and fellowship.

After the service some people apologised, while others tried to justify their suspicious reaction. Of course, I am aware that approaching a tramp can feel risky, but folks could have initiated a chain of events that would bring help and care to one in such obvious need. During my career in the police force I met many homeless people. They provided a wealth of information about local crime. Often these folks would share their life story with me. On many occasions they had been successful in their chosen career, got married, had children, a house, a car - but something went wrong, and they found themselves on the street, alone, without the capacity or ability to begin to climb the socially acceptable ladder back to normal life. At times many of us are just a couple of steps from losing everything.

Thursday...

Ok I was suppose to go to work at 7 this morning and I am reallllllllly upset that I couldn't AFFORD to go to work. HOW screwy is this??? I could not afford to go to work. It is 15 mins away at Staples in Hendersonville. I LOVE LOVE LOVED it!! TOTALLY! the people were awesome warm and were beyond excited to have me there! Kinda like going to church! It was a wild experience. Wednesday I went in and took the kids to day care for the first time in their life. When I got there they were like I need a check for 63 dollars from today. (I DON"T HAVE IT IN THERE BUT I WROTE IT) I was like OK> wow. If I pay 63 dollars today and 63 dollars tomorrow and 63 dollars Friday.... HOW IN THE WORLD. Of course their father came up with an excuse that I didn't put them in a day care in SC so he didn't feel he should have to help me. It is 40 dollars cheaper down there BUT I would make it up in gas. Plus my friends wouldn't be able to help me come time for clinicals. His friends said they would help. One has 5 kids or something like that and then the other one smoke. NO. I don't think so. Oh and his parents... his mom calls my kids Bas***d children and she hates my guts. Right like I really want my kids around her either. fyi as of thursday of last week the 3rd she still felt that way, still from Sept. 2007. wow. The kids don't need that kind of tension they have been through enough this year in changes they don't need that horrible feeling of knowing that someone hates you.

So anyways I had to call out completely on my second day of work. I just want to feel real again. Not dependent on this boy that has done everything in his weak power to ruin me but it isn't going to work. I hold my head high and I carry my self with pride.

Through all this going on... I made the highest grade in my nursing class on our first test. It was an 87. not so good but I am proud that it is the highest! One other girl made a 87 as well so I guess I wasn't the only highest but what I have been through this week Thank you GOD for allowing me to have my focus on what is going to allow me to move forward in life! OH and an 81 on my nutrition test. :)

Well I must end this the twins are screaming at the top of their lungs because they want in my lap! Then they get in my lap they fight over it so no to both!

will continue... much love.

Find Community C, C, C

Ok community in my book and then preached on at church?????????????????? Shane you must be reading more then my blog!

Refrigerator buddies do not start with a C nor do bare feet buddies. Will discuss more on that

I will continue with my book tomorrow. I am going to bed with happy thoughts of tomorrow Positive. Strong and faithful that the Lord has truly kept my cheeks dry for there is no fear to cry over nor is there any worries to stress over. Prayers keep us strong and heads held high! (community of prayers) More then One prayer. Real prayers. the support and love of the community. Just really creepy but soooooooo true. I will go in more detail tomorrow!

10:00AM

Love, Peace and keeping the pedal to the carpet covered metal!

Independence Day!

Rock out!!! I am glad today is a day of independence it represents alot more then just for our USA for me. I can put double meaning behind it. Six months being single and striving to better my life for my kids! First time since college I have lived by myself it is harder then you think! Then again rhythm is the key. Once you take your step to the right direction just keep it consistent.

Ok. I am not a big reader but I have to read alot for school so my reading time is limited to my "office hours" I am reading "There Are No Mistakes" by Eleanor Wiley was a ragging alcoholic that had to face alot to be able to accept life for what it is. it was sent to me by a lovely lady that I met from working in Greenville many a years she is also the first person that knew I was having twins< she rocks!! Thus far the chapters I have read have been fabulous.
1. Honor Where You Came From I don't remember reading this part yet... the authors intro said take the chapters as you find them interesting...
2. own you Own Pain, Hurt, and Vulnerability< Yeah haven't gotten to that one yet either... I need to good part of getting REAL
3. Accept Yourself! This was a very long chapter it had alot of hard facts to face... what you get back what you put out! So you really have to stop and make yourself think what do you really want back in life when you stop being so careless and self loathing do you want everyone else to treat you like that or do you want to give it all so when there comes a time in life and you may be on the other side of that giving you will be taken care of by great care givers. Acceptence is not a way of saying "I GIVE UP" this focused on aging and getting older... during her process of dealing with her alcoholism she would say "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" That those that have made peace in life are those that they one of the only constants in life is CHANGE. As long as you remain resilient and flexible and move with grace from one situation to another. Resilience is taught by the school of hard knocks! Accepting our Feelings and STOP denying them to be discussed. Accept that you made a wrong choice... Wow this is a great part... this had a long example but the end was that taking a great leap of faith offers us a chance to discover our own strengths, learn from our intuition and it jolts us awake and it calls on us to accept ourselves as we are!!! Accepting that we don't have to = and often Can't do it all! Our generation is a great example of this. Keeping up with the Jones... you got to slow down enjoy your family and friends more then the material side of the american dream. Pracitce I'm Okay. Saying thank you without excuses. Just Say THANK YOU. Accepting what we are good at! Don't down play it. when someone admires your work believe them. accept their admiration and if you enjoy it DO IT! Don't put it aside as a favorite past time you can't help that you are good at what you do. God gave us that talent and we need to make sure we are keeping it warm and not forgotten about!

Told you that was a long chapter...
4. Tell your Story- and Allow it to evolve
this chapter covers what causes us to stop sharing our stories, Make sure it is factual, that feeling of being a burden > I hate sharing my story sometimes it makes people feel uncomfortable and if they can't help then they feel guilty of something odd... it is really weird to see people's faces change when something not the most pleasant is shared. Owning our part, Finding the right place for sharing your pain, then the only constant is Change.
5. Laugh at yourself
When you are able to see the lighter side of your life it does get easier. Then again don't laugh then cry on the inside...
6. Find Community

I am just starting on this chapter but thus far it is looking like networking your life and becoming part of something beyond yourself.

I will keep you guys posted on this it seems hitting home at the most perfect of times.

I am going to go to bed I was suppose to be doing home work We have done over 17 chapters these past 4 days and Monday is the first day to wear our scrubs... yeah!!! I am going to be feeling and looking like a real nurse... Hi, may I please take your temperature :) hehehehe After Monday I will be able to do blood pressure and I am officially can wash my hands properly ;) and I got a big paper due tomorrow and another job interview at 2. Hopefully they will offer more then 7p/h. If not then the hunt will continue! Wish me luck! I have been dying to share this book on here every time I read it I say OOO I want to share that... I don't think I covered all that I really wanted to say about it but I will go chapter by chapter now... there is only 12 chapters so we will be done shortly :) love and kisses to my invisible readers.

Duck and roll

Ok so I know now why they say roll with the punches! THEY HURT ALOT LESS! So I am going and rolling. Nothing to major I can do this. It will be fine. My life will be ok and my children are sound and secure as always. Why can I say that? Because I know each day I wake up that my children are my priority for the day. That my life evolves around their needs and no one can come in and change that! EVER. The four of us make each other possible. Without them who knows where I would be at, probably not pushing myself to better my self independence. What would be the point, I am sure I would be making plenty of money working at Fedex Kinko's I would probably be in Atlanta where single women would prosper in the world of friends. I really couldn't tell you or in the military maybe the Navy. I know I would be a lot skinner but I have some of the most blessed rolls I could ever ask for because they were stretched out to accommodate some of the most blessed individuals I could ever ask to be given.

Attorney equals money I don't have. = HUGE issue on defending myself against an unstable individual. = I can do this! I really don't know anyone else that could... I can. I know I can.

Just got Sued.

... bring it on face these iron fists of passion these are my babies your best bet is to back down! Become the coward that you are and hide your rat infested ways. The food a roach eats is only the start of your better side...

My heart races at the possibilities of outcomes. Bottom of the ninth and bases are loaded.... Is it over the fence? the crowd is in silence waiting for the split second to release their edge of their seat suspense.

more to come when I know more after 2:30pm pray!