another call at midnight

the agreements were to figure out something for agreements on kids.... come to find out it wasn't about them all about me. He stated that since I wasn't willing to agree on coming back to him then there was nothing to work out and proceeded to hang up on me.

:) welcome to my world.

I stopped kissing it... and I lost my girls

I stopped kissing david's butt and made it clear that he and I were no longer together so guess what...


I lost the girls AGAIN. never fails. I give my all into making it work but it wasn't good enough. So then I just give up and that isn't good enough either. I need financial help to be able to go to work I need gas money to survive. I need at least 100 bucks for the guardian at litem now since we are back to court we go. All because I don't want to go back into his lies. all lies. We are supposedly working things out and come to find out he is trying to sweet talk some girl in hooking up in town and on his dating websites which was one of the reasons they took my girls in the first place. I have had enough. There was abuse to me my son and God only knows the mental abuse this is doing to the girls and Tristan too. Tristan is in counseling as it is just to help get some of this to go smoothly with school starting and him having to see me in tears every weekend because we get into an arguement. I can not take this stress... that is why I do not like Sundays the last 2 we had his parents involved and they came into my house while my girls were sleeping and TOOK THEM. Just took them right out from my house because I wanted my mom present with his parents when we were going to sit down and "agree" on the kids Monday. I told him write down his 33 things and I would do mine then we all come together since we all get off at a decent hour and I stated mom didn't until 8 and his mom proceeded to state that B**%WQ WASN'T ALOUD IN HER HOME so she was going to come get the kids and take them to her house. Though no where in my court papers does it state they can have them I let them go so cops wouldn't be the ones handing them over. I can't do this without tears. Money has been the issue then to come to find out they are going to put them in the same day care where I had them just that I can't pick them up. Nor would they let me just give them to them in the morning they had to have them and drag them out into the night. It is all about money. David wanted to know why I didn't make any body else responsible for the kids. Patrick or Tristan real blood because that was part of the agreement. I was working when I left Patrick and I could take care of one child on my own and he gave Tristan his name that was our agreement. David blessed me with 2 angels and he wanted to be a part of their life or so I thought. He almost agreed to selling the kids to me... ??? what person in their right mind would do such a thing. He wants my daddy's tool box I told him he could buy me out of my half of the house he then states well does that mean I keep what is in the house? There is my fathers tool box inside that is worth 120,000 dollars. I told him he could buy it from me then he states that is all that is was going to take I told him he could have the car back and I would give him the half of the house... he actually considered it. What a sicko. Then calls me at 11:41pm at night and cusses me out for not telling him where and what was going on with Tristan's school or where he was going... all lies. which he is going to win in court again because he has money and I don't. Again I don't do anything good enough for him. I told him. over and over his schedule and yet he forgets but it is my fault. All of this is about to explode in my face and I have NO control of any of it. I guess that is what happens to poor people that break their back to better themselves so they don't have to ask anyone for help yet since they have asked for it or are use to having it there, but with strings attached it is wrong... oh god help me please please one can only go through so much of this turmoil please just some truth in all these lies. Some justice in this plague of wrongs. My tongue is my nuice and I fall into the rope so many times. with just enough for my toes to dangle so I don't loose all air. less then 2 years I will be making some mad cash and none of these worries or pain will strike me again.

50 Things About Me

Friday, April 11, 2008
50 Things About Me

1. I am 25 at the time of writing this.
2. I love to bake.
3. I teach cake decorating for Wilton
4. I am a mother to 3 kids.
5. I am a sister.
6. I have been divorced.
7. I have been engaged 3 times.
8. I LOVE mexican food. Can eat there all the time.
9. I want to learn how to cook it.
10. I am a horrible cook.
11. If I did not have kids to nourish I would eat cereal 3x's a day.
12. I love techno music break beats mostly, but Drum and Bass rocks too.
13. I have a half brother
14. I have a half sister
15. I have an adopted brother that is super cool.!
16. I have been in court.
17. I just got my first speeding ticket in years.
18. I made a 98.1 in my CNA class. #1 baby!
19. I have incredible friends.
20. I am an aunt to 6.
21. I like sushi.
22. I have never been really married. Signed paper work but never said vows or exchanged rings so I don't think of myself ever being married.
23. I have owned 2 wedding dresses
24. I have never worn either one of them.
25. I take my entrance exam for Nursing school on Sept 3.
26. My son starts K4 this year 2008.
27. My girls turn 2 in October.
28. I have a job!!!!!
29. I am going to be financially stable within the next 3 years!
30. I have a tool box worth 120,000 that I need to sale!
31. I don't know how to work on cars.
32. I can and have changed a flat tire!
33. I currently have a nail in my tire which is causing a flat to re occur but I don't have the money to fix it quite yet!
34. I made my first wedding cake for a paying customer.
35. It fell on my way there from the heat.
36. I have my first refund from a wedding cake order.
37. I feel absolutely horrible about it.
38. I made an awesome scooby cake afterwards to get back "in the saddle" so to say.
39. I still feel horrible about ruining a lovely gals' wedding :(
40. I never knew how much power a wedding cake could offer at a wedding.
41. I will never offer cream cheese icing in the middle of summer.
42. I do not enjoy wiping old people butts.
43. I have found that compassion in caring for people.
44. I think I really like it, and it warms my heart knowing I can bring smiles to people that may not have close family to do so.
45. I never thought I had such things inside me.
46. I know the 'touch' of edema
47. Our elders do know more then us if we listen to them long enough they have moments of brilliantness in them.
48. I am not stopping after I get my RN
49. I will be a Nurse Practitioner. **even though I had to spell check it.
50. Can't wait to start making money to be able to give back to the people that have helped me through these really bad times and pay back those that have helped me financially.

Another Sunday....ugh.

Ugh is for the personal life I promise! Not for the church life. Which they seem to coexist because with out church I would have possibly thought of ways of beheading my ex. Yes MY EX!! Ex. I don't think that is clear enough. I doubt he ever has read any of my thoughts but for some reason he thinks that I would be able to make something of our past. Church allows me to have a way to look beyond the darkness of the 'now' and gives me a sense of being.

It was really strange today I had to be at work from 7-11am and I was with an absolutely fascinating patient. We talked about church and children and how there are sunday people that put on their christian clothes and go to church each sunday and the kids learn about jesus and the bible and His word, but come tuesday or wednesday that Sunday has worn off/away and they loose what they say they are and the kids grow up to be able to accept wrong doings readily because what kids are taught is what they LEARN in the home. We as adults send our kids to school thinking they are learning what they are taught. NO really they aren't they learn what they see on a daily basis. They only see their teachers 5 days a week they see us the parents 7 days a week. This concept scares the heck out of me! My son sees his 'dad' treat his mom like crap and puts mom in tears to a point of rage that words come out that shouldn't be spoken. He sees his 'dad' disrespect his mom in all forms. He learns the tension that is in the home after these episodes. The example that my patient gave me was that the parents were done wrong and the father finally found a way to get the other people back that saturday and in a way they would never know how they got stabbed in the back. I took my example a little further. I went through some horrible emotions today not knowing where my children were at other then to find out that they were in Lake Greenwood where my ex fiance's kid's birthday party was at. no not my ex. My first love. My first love of my life the one that I thought about every day up till I saw him happy with his family. I literally thought about how it would of been if I hadn't left for college and broken up with him. my current ex contacted him trying to get dirt on me. Come to find out why he hates me so much he thinks I cheated on him with a guy from Kinko's. No I only cheated on the most recent. I cheated out of pain and disgust of the current living situation. wrong yes. Most certainly. Would I do it again. No. I will never be in a relationship like i was in either.!!! So how does this all tie together is....

cranking up my life in a focused and guided way. Priority in prayer and dedication to our God. I am not diligent like I should be. I give thanks on days that are rainy and days that are to hot to stand because I am alive and I am able to get out of bed and I can hug and kiss my babies. Do I set aside time to make prayer a sacred time no. If I make prayer a priority I can see how life will have more direction to it. **back to the patient when we are called to change and we don't we suffer greatly. If we go with what life is dealing with us and able to change when the time calls life becomes much greater then what it was.** which I think is a great point to throw in here because with guidance from a power that created this world how can our life not become more then what it is. We do how we have it written to do aka the bible, how can we not over come such minor debilitating life changing experiences. ?? With a given direction we can focus on where we are going. With focus we are able to have priorities but they all go hand and hand. Not so much if you don't like Clemson you are going to hell that kinda hurt but it was good. You had to be there to understand it so next week you are going to have to come to figure out another way to Crank up your life! How are you going to be able to prioritize your life for God? If you pray do you feel that is the only thing you have to do? *hint* NO. Why is my life the way it is if I am praying? Well are you acting on what you say?? Do you ask forgiveness then do the same exact thing you just asked for forgiveness for??? You can't expect God to allow for change if you continue to do things that you ask for forgiveness he gives you that forgiveness over and over again, because he can. He also doesn't have to allow for great things if you don't ACT on your failure to withstand temptation. This is talking alot for me I am glad I am questioning this computer. I think I am going to ask this computer some more stuff and see what magically appears on the screen under my fingers :) ha ha maybe next time. with much love sweet dreams!

OOO Ridge pointe church is where I am able to get all these incredible real life examples of the bible and how it CAN apply to each and every one of us!!! So if you want it first hand come on!!! www.ridgepointechurch.com!

blogging

Ok skipping over momma defense... Left of getting Jesus in the Ghetto. Some of you may know and some don't but I live in the ghetto. We do have this little group of people that come around parading in the neighborhood with a musical thing that pumps back and forth and has a piano keyboard on the side... can not think how to spell it and it starts with an A, and they have little bible study for the kids. That is awesome besides the fact most moms if they care about their kids fear for the danger that they can be exposed to by walking up to the playground for this activity. We have a scary surrounding for children to be brought up in. As a matter of fact there is word that 3 small children have been beaten up because that is the local gang's initiation. I keep my doors and windows locked at all times!!! my wee ones stay inside or at my neighbors which we are all going to school and struggling to make ends meet and raise our kids as safely as possible. God does watch over us we are all together in this same building for a reason and we as a team are coming together and making it happen. My neighbor E has re dedicated her life to Jesus! AMEN! I am so proud of her she is an incredible mother of 5, yes 5, and is also going to school for nursing! I am trying to get her to continue past the LPN program and join me in getting the RN. We will see. I know she can do it but she doubts herself so.

Tomorrow is time for church! yeah. we all know that I am sure I will have something to reflect on. I feel that the passion to share my experience and the drive to explain how it touches me just has to be put in words instead of being trapped inside this steel trap of mine ... lol.

Last night Tristan and I had a slumber party to go to it was Awesome! Our friends offered us to stay over since it was a decent drive and it was going to be a late night (so we thought) :) and we took them up on it. I haven't had such a relaxing and enjoyable time in a really long time. That is really the first time we have had time spent together besides Hi helloooooo and small catch up sessions at church so it was pretty sweet to be able to further develop that relationship. We both have cake decorating LOVE in common too so that was a definite trouble maker for us both :) When I open my bakery she so has a job!!! I have been finding my staff along the way and we are up to 4 including me. I think that will be a perfect starting number I still need some wait staff so let me know!

This morning we went to a Princess Party I know it was awesome! Cinderella herself was live and in person! In living color. too cool the girls got makeup done by her and the boys got pirate tattoos! :)n That was the neatest party I have ever seen. They just get better and better! I think we are going to have to have Tristan's party there too. it is toooooooo cold in Jan to have it at the park and the apartment is just a wee bit on the smaller side for 5 year olds so we will have to keep that in mind *(purty please :) )

I am super depressed about school and clinical. I am not in the right field as of this moment. Nursing homes and wiping butts is just not me. I like hands on but not like that. wow. I knew it was a field for 'special' people but I don't think I am that kind of person now that I am there. maybe because I wipe butts all day and then I go to school and find out there are more to be done. I have seen living skeletons! you see the outlines of the bones in their arms and legs. NO. If I ever look like that and I am peeing in a bag for my last dying days.. put me in the woods and let the bear get me or something at least I would be helping them by providing food for their family?? you know! but to be sooo lonely you just wish someone would stop and talk to you... It kills me. Give me a broken arm or some burned up something and let me provide care to make it as almost as it was given to you. but to assist in your ending days.... I will assist... in finding someone else to help you with that. Then I feel bad for feeling that way. as a nurse you are suppose to have compassion. I walk in there and just no, I just really don't have any I dread for Tuesday and I dread until the clock strikes 9:30 so we can load up in my car and head home. there are others in our class that are AWESOME I mean they get in there and rock out! I walk in and I am a deer in head lights. I know the stuff I know how to do it. It really is common sense until you roll them over and they blow you away with gas. Wowzers. Then you wonder why you have one hand on their side of their hips and the other one gloved and wiping out dirty doo. Have I said UGH yet? yeah I am struggling with making myself continue forward but it is only for a small amount of time and it allows me to continue on beyond this fact of life.

**** anyone know how to fix keys on a lap top?? My enter key I have fixed a few times before but now it is not fixing for me and it is driving me insane! Let me know thanks.

Ok bed time for me 11:00PM on the dot and I got to get up early in the morning :) I have one of the girls from the hood coming tomorrow I am excited I know she will like it even though she doesn't feel young enough to go to kids pointe and not old enough to chill with the biggen's that tween year of life get you every time. She can handle shane I am thinking, she deals with me :) OH and she is an incredible baby sitter! She handled all 3 of mine on a nightly basis and I came in to sleeping babies each and every night with a clean house!!! You can't top that! I love her so!

toodles.

A momma defense...

Ok so I can definitely say my mom has had enough...From a mother's point of view when asked this....


Date: Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:34:43 -0700

what will it take liz? For things to go back to how they were? will they? will you allow, accept, and help?

The answer!

What is wrong with you? I am not in the equation, can you not get that thru your head? You vilified my daughter, took the babies away, put a tracking device on her car, hunted her like a dog, dug up her past, which you had no business doing, none of your business, hurt Tristan, put bruises on his little body, and you have the gall to ask me what will it take?

Everything that is said is twisted by you, you interrogate each and every person, and you ask me that question? The same thing I told you about Kit, time after time after time, just leave me alone. Just leave me alone.

If you are making reference to the very brief phone call last night, the babies were exhausted from being kept up so late this past week and I was trying to get them fed and put to bed at a decent hour. Go by their schedule, not mine. I have nothing to say to you. Kit had told you I was picking up the babies and you calling to checlk if I did. I certainly don't need you to go behind me, checking up on me.

I am not "charmed" by your use of words, your actions tell me more than anything. You do not say one thing that is the truth. So, please, leave me alone. If there is a problem with the children while in my care and I cannot get hold of Kit, then I would call you. Like, if they tore their face up while I was pulling them behind the lawnmower, or let thm fall into the bathtub and get a black eye. You took pictures of Kaines' back where Katie had bitten her, take pictures of Tristan and Kaine while in your care when this happened? Probably not. My, how the screw turns.

I have no use for hypocrites David, guess you have not figured that out, so I will spell it out for you. I do not do double standards, you run your mouth about how much you care and all this crap, and act and do just the opposite.

Please, leave me alone. I have enough to worry and be concerned about without you adding to everything. Haven't you done enough to tear up everything? And yes, I do blame you and let's see if I can get it right , my precious daughter, no, I don't blame her. After dealing with you the little that I have, I do not blame her at all.

Always, Liz


She has had enough and so have I who hasn't?? When lies continue and the danger still lurks, the court still hanging over my head and nothing changing... hmmm. You really think anyone in their right mind could find a positive light out of it?? No and never.

Danger is lurking!

Dangerous Church was the title of today. I have been slack and been spending some time with me mum on Sunday mornings having breakfast... Our special time but I know that church is one hour and you know what... It is an hour that charges each and everyone up to go into this world burning bright each and every week!!!

We had some really good points today. I needed to write the rest of them down because I got stuck on one. Be selfless. ... ... ... I had a whole thing I had wanted to say... and I got a text message from David. How sweet to interrupt my thoughts. He does that so well. Ugh. ok let me see here. Being selfless in our community outside where people view the church as a different part of the world. Our Church coming together and reaching out to give to those that make our community what it is without strings without making a big fuss just reaching and giving when we can. ie. local food bank. Instead of making a food bank because we can... we reach out and help a food bank that is already there and serving good to the community. Instead of saying we are a church so we can do it better so instead we will be selfish and open our own and only give to who we select. No. We help make the one better that is already serving. We help serve to them as they serve to others in a selfless manner. Or go to our local schools and help expand the equipment I vote band stuff but I heard play ground. The arts need more help with funding but if there is a vote i will voice my opinion though i am not sure how loudly I will be heard. As long as we are helping I guess it doesn't matter where it goes does it?? Also, I was thinking going even deeper in the community and seeing what options for the local equal housing developments and see how we can help them and better their play ground equipment for the children of the less privileged families and homes. I know some of the people there would care less but then there are those that are bending over backwards trying to make a difference in their kids lives and a simple gesture like that from a church would be a warm embrace I think. Or give to the neighbor hood as we call it bringing Jesus in the Ghetto. You might not be able to take the kids out of the Ghetto but you can bring Jesus in!!! :) Ok will return with more...

Bragging Rights!!!

Through all this crud that I am having to handle right now check out what else I can do!!!

My Summer classes consisted of Nutrition BIO 255 I finished with a C, I had a small trip to the ER for bronchitis and I missed my final, but I was still able to pull a C out of the class which will transfer and count. :( Then I had a Management course which came out with an A. Then on top of that I have taken a class to become a Certified Nursing Assistant which I took the final exam this past Monday and made a 100 on it. Making my final grade average a 98.1! #1 in the class. I am in shock and I am floating along each day with a smile of achievement.

The fall semesters starts August 19th. I will have another 10 credit hours to go through and hopefully by this time next year I will be able to say I have been accepted into the R.N program!

Tristan starts K4 on August 25th and the girls are learning to use the potty! Kaine used it all by herself this morning! They will be 2 in October. Though we are surrounded by alot of negative I still believe as a team that shares each others weaknesses and strengths when needed my family is able to continue to do well. I know in time we will no longer have this dark cloud sitting on us and I will be able to return all your support you have shared with us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. There are still some haywire things happening and i haven't a clue when those will end.

Bronchitis has been the sickness of the summer. yesterday was my 2nd trip into the ER. I went for my physical for my job!!<:) and had a fever of 100.4 and the lady took me back down to the ER for my third round of antibiotics. It has now turned into subacute bronchitis and I hope that it doesn't go any further.

I have been hired by a local agency called Community Health Connection, as a Nurses Aides, for In-home care. I haven't gotten my CNA license yet but they want to get me on board now and get me working so they can just increase my pay upon receiving my license. Which at that time I will then apply at our local hospital for the Geriatric/ psych unit.

I think that is all the exciting and newest of news for you!