Contact me!

I know many of you said you would do whatever it took to help. Here is your time. I need you!!! I need you in person to testify in court before the judge on your interactions with me and my children How you feel that the children have had a quality life with me and there should not ever be a question in anything but :) etc....

How you are there for us....
How whatever you have seen you find a good thing I don't know. I just need my back up support group now!!

alive, drepressed, and finding that word lonely creeping...

Yet, then again, I am able to move forward. On the 3rd I took my PSB aka, Nursing (RN) Entrance exam. I had an amazing weekend prior to it and just really feel like it may have been a good week over all. Then I made the mistake of thinking I could possibly be 'dating' someone and asked them that... LOL lets put it this way. I haven't heard from them again since then lol. ok. I know I am a single mom but am I missing something?? I guess so. I am ok with that. It gives me something else to laugh at. :) So my lonely feeling can just stick around. I need a dog. I think I am going to go see my doc and say look i need a dog give me a reason to get one beyond me saying I need one. I think I am going to look for a well trained and house broken one that needs lots of love.

Depression. Yikes. I might say I have it. lol ya think. On the 8th I really felt beyond control of it all. Tears of break down tears. I had to do a shout out for some prayers to even get it under control. My girls pulled it together for me and HE IS AMAZING. the tears stopped. I gave it to Him. I am exhausted of the emotional twisting he has shoved down my throat. I was given an ultimatum Monday that I never in a million years thought I would ever hear. It involved doing things to get my girls back that I refuse to do. I will not sink to that level any more 3 and a half years is enough I fell for it over and over again. I am not on my own any more and I will not tolerate it. My spirit is stronger then what it has ever been. I live with a spirit of grace and peace. "my feet are grounded in peace" I know I forget that to many times in a day but sitting here I KNOW it. The devil blinds us. He attacks us. He tries to damage us in ways we never thought possible. (or at least I thought)

Test I find out if I made one of the ten spots on the 17th. Nervous. Ha. understatement. So far for this semester I have an A average. I take my state boards for butt wiping on the 24th. My graduation party for that class is on the 30th.

busy wednesday month for sure! Glad only 2 more left or I am not sure I could handle many more of them. :) hehehe

GREAT NEWS the Guardian at litem is coming Sunday after Church!!! That is the attorney that speaks on the behalf of my babies. He comes to the home and sees the babies and how they enter act in my home and with me. I couldn't be happier for someone to see my side that isn't bias. I love all of you but bias does come naturally. Speaking of which I am needing people to testify on my behalf in court. Please contact me ok??

totally amazing!

Ok I know we have talked about being real before but we are going to again. The crazy thing is that the day before I was on the phone with a friend and one of the questions is do you go to church? that was my question... I know church doesn't get you anywhere but it seems the easiest of the questions to get the ball rolling towards God. So we get talking about how hypocritical people are in the church. How fake they are and how they never felt like church reached out to the people it was there for the best fakers to show off.

So Sunday morning we get dressed and go to church (Tristan and I) Tristan goes over to the little man side and I head into shanemus prime's rockstar bar. (will add to that in a sec) The band had it together for the last time with Jason and Paige. Congrats and best wishes to them both they really have touched my life through music. Last sunday we Blasted away this sunday we raised the roof! The band was together and the music was touching inside!! Yeahhh then Rockstar comes on PUMPED up!!! I would of loved to see if the Tigers had WON!! Wow we would of had build a bigger stage he was on fire!!! the message was strong and it came across very clear! I wish we didn't have a time constraint because there was sooooooooooo much that could of been said and could of totally of been worth hearing. The focus was we all need a place where we can all turn to and be Real, Reminded, Accountable, Confronted, and the most important when we leave Encouraged. When we were listening I felt like a piece of string, a piece of string looking for more strings to come together and be woven together to create a strong rope aka community. If you take one piece of string and tie up a horse and the horse gets spooked what happens?? The string will break after enough force! If it is a woven nylon rope the horse will get spooked and that rope will go under lots of pressure but the likely hood of that rope breaking is slim to none. That rope needs to be us. We have to be able to be real with our community of our church because they will remind us to do right and behave and live in the life Jesus wants. Then inside this strong hold we will have someone we trust that says hey, you trust me and I know you and we need to face what has been going wrong in our life and take the actions to change it!!! Then once our community holds us accountable for our Own mistakes then knowing the struggles we will face we go into the world with encouragement. Each day will not be easy I can give you that straight up. I am not sure if there ever is a day that will be easy, but they seem not nearly as hard because we are that single string being pulled to a point of breaking anymore we are all able to share the bad and lift up the good!

Back to the feeling of a bunch of fakers in church. I use to go to a church where I felt that. I would be so consumed of wondering what everyone was saying about me I can not tell you one thing about any of the sermons I have listened to. I was in my teens then and very vulnerable but still the old ladies would come to sunday school each and every sunday at least 30 to more mins to sit around gossip down stairs. ?? hello we are in church. People went all week in pants and t shirts then they break out the BEST stuff out of their closest and expect that if everyone else didn't do that then they shouldn't be there!!! WHICH IS A BUNCH OF JUNK! Sometimes I do not want to get out of my PJ's after busting my butt all week and you will be lucky if I brush my hair but I still should have a right to come and worship OUR GOD the same one that we claim that is our same God the lover and giver why should you look down your nose and call me out because I don't feel like keeping up with the jones! That is how I use to feel. Now. Ha. I love going to church because when you walk in and there are smiles for EVERYONE! young or old. no panites in a wad over what you have on just thankful that you and your friends are there for the same reason! The creator of Heavens and the Earth! You can't possibly go wrong. you can't. His love will surpass any pair of holey t shirt or stainded pair of shoes that you have. Isn't that amazing. Then to have the ability to have a community to turn to in a time of need or a time of celebration! I love being a part of something that is Real and to the point of viewing God as our Father not focusing on the rest of the crazzzzzzzzzzzzzy world around us, but the peace that he offers us all.

I am so very blessed to be where I am in life and there is sooooo many reasons why and how I got here. A lot of you can look at my life and say how can she say that how does she feel blessed when she has her babies taken away from her and is stalked every day of her life.... because those things are so small in the whole picture. My babies will be back to me. I believe it will be taken care of because it is out of my hands I have given it up to higher powers then my own, and for that I am blessed that I can be able to do that. Because I wake up each and every morning and can say thank you for the sun and the rain and the thought that this time apart from my girls is temporary. :)

You are loved. You are loved by someone that loved you before your parents knew you were going to be born. You are still loved.

another call at midnight

the agreements were to figure out something for agreements on kids.... come to find out it wasn't about them all about me. He stated that since I wasn't willing to agree on coming back to him then there was nothing to work out and proceeded to hang up on me.

:) welcome to my world.

I stopped kissing it... and I lost my girls

I stopped kissing david's butt and made it clear that he and I were no longer together so guess what...


I lost the girls AGAIN. never fails. I give my all into making it work but it wasn't good enough. So then I just give up and that isn't good enough either. I need financial help to be able to go to work I need gas money to survive. I need at least 100 bucks for the guardian at litem now since we are back to court we go. All because I don't want to go back into his lies. all lies. We are supposedly working things out and come to find out he is trying to sweet talk some girl in hooking up in town and on his dating websites which was one of the reasons they took my girls in the first place. I have had enough. There was abuse to me my son and God only knows the mental abuse this is doing to the girls and Tristan too. Tristan is in counseling as it is just to help get some of this to go smoothly with school starting and him having to see me in tears every weekend because we get into an arguement. I can not take this stress... that is why I do not like Sundays the last 2 we had his parents involved and they came into my house while my girls were sleeping and TOOK THEM. Just took them right out from my house because I wanted my mom present with his parents when we were going to sit down and "agree" on the kids Monday. I told him write down his 33 things and I would do mine then we all come together since we all get off at a decent hour and I stated mom didn't until 8 and his mom proceeded to state that B**%WQ WASN'T ALOUD IN HER HOME so she was going to come get the kids and take them to her house. Though no where in my court papers does it state they can have them I let them go so cops wouldn't be the ones handing them over. I can't do this without tears. Money has been the issue then to come to find out they are going to put them in the same day care where I had them just that I can't pick them up. Nor would they let me just give them to them in the morning they had to have them and drag them out into the night. It is all about money. David wanted to know why I didn't make any body else responsible for the kids. Patrick or Tristan real blood because that was part of the agreement. I was working when I left Patrick and I could take care of one child on my own and he gave Tristan his name that was our agreement. David blessed me with 2 angels and he wanted to be a part of their life or so I thought. He almost agreed to selling the kids to me... ??? what person in their right mind would do such a thing. He wants my daddy's tool box I told him he could buy me out of my half of the house he then states well does that mean I keep what is in the house? There is my fathers tool box inside that is worth 120,000 dollars. I told him he could buy it from me then he states that is all that is was going to take I told him he could have the car back and I would give him the half of the house... he actually considered it. What a sicko. Then calls me at 11:41pm at night and cusses me out for not telling him where and what was going on with Tristan's school or where he was going... all lies. which he is going to win in court again because he has money and I don't. Again I don't do anything good enough for him. I told him. over and over his schedule and yet he forgets but it is my fault. All of this is about to explode in my face and I have NO control of any of it. I guess that is what happens to poor people that break their back to better themselves so they don't have to ask anyone for help yet since they have asked for it or are use to having it there, but with strings attached it is wrong... oh god help me please please one can only go through so much of this turmoil please just some truth in all these lies. Some justice in this plague of wrongs. My tongue is my nuice and I fall into the rope so many times. with just enough for my toes to dangle so I don't loose all air. less then 2 years I will be making some mad cash and none of these worries or pain will strike me again.

50 Things About Me

Friday, April 11, 2008
50 Things About Me

1. I am 25 at the time of writing this.
2. I love to bake.
3. I teach cake decorating for Wilton
4. I am a mother to 3 kids.
5. I am a sister.
6. I have been divorced.
7. I have been engaged 3 times.
8. I LOVE mexican food. Can eat there all the time.
9. I want to learn how to cook it.
10. I am a horrible cook.
11. If I did not have kids to nourish I would eat cereal 3x's a day.
12. I love techno music break beats mostly, but Drum and Bass rocks too.
13. I have a half brother
14. I have a half sister
15. I have an adopted brother that is super cool.!
16. I have been in court.
17. I just got my first speeding ticket in years.
18. I made a 98.1 in my CNA class. #1 baby!
19. I have incredible friends.
20. I am an aunt to 6.
21. I like sushi.
22. I have never been really married. Signed paper work but never said vows or exchanged rings so I don't think of myself ever being married.
23. I have owned 2 wedding dresses
24. I have never worn either one of them.
25. I take my entrance exam for Nursing school on Sept 3.
26. My son starts K4 this year 2008.
27. My girls turn 2 in October.
28. I have a job!!!!!
29. I am going to be financially stable within the next 3 years!
30. I have a tool box worth 120,000 that I need to sale!
31. I don't know how to work on cars.
32. I can and have changed a flat tire!
33. I currently have a nail in my tire which is causing a flat to re occur but I don't have the money to fix it quite yet!
34. I made my first wedding cake for a paying customer.
35. It fell on my way there from the heat.
36. I have my first refund from a wedding cake order.
37. I feel absolutely horrible about it.
38. I made an awesome scooby cake afterwards to get back "in the saddle" so to say.
39. I still feel horrible about ruining a lovely gals' wedding :(
40. I never knew how much power a wedding cake could offer at a wedding.
41. I will never offer cream cheese icing in the middle of summer.
42. I do not enjoy wiping old people butts.
43. I have found that compassion in caring for people.
44. I think I really like it, and it warms my heart knowing I can bring smiles to people that may not have close family to do so.
45. I never thought I had such things inside me.
46. I know the 'touch' of edema
47. Our elders do know more then us if we listen to them long enough they have moments of brilliantness in them.
48. I am not stopping after I get my RN
49. I will be a Nurse Practitioner. **even though I had to spell check it.
50. Can't wait to start making money to be able to give back to the people that have helped me through these really bad times and pay back those that have helped me financially.

Another Sunday....ugh.

Ugh is for the personal life I promise! Not for the church life. Which they seem to coexist because with out church I would have possibly thought of ways of beheading my ex. Yes MY EX!! Ex. I don't think that is clear enough. I doubt he ever has read any of my thoughts but for some reason he thinks that I would be able to make something of our past. Church allows me to have a way to look beyond the darkness of the 'now' and gives me a sense of being.

It was really strange today I had to be at work from 7-11am and I was with an absolutely fascinating patient. We talked about church and children and how there are sunday people that put on their christian clothes and go to church each sunday and the kids learn about jesus and the bible and His word, but come tuesday or wednesday that Sunday has worn off/away and they loose what they say they are and the kids grow up to be able to accept wrong doings readily because what kids are taught is what they LEARN in the home. We as adults send our kids to school thinking they are learning what they are taught. NO really they aren't they learn what they see on a daily basis. They only see their teachers 5 days a week they see us the parents 7 days a week. This concept scares the heck out of me! My son sees his 'dad' treat his mom like crap and puts mom in tears to a point of rage that words come out that shouldn't be spoken. He sees his 'dad' disrespect his mom in all forms. He learns the tension that is in the home after these episodes. The example that my patient gave me was that the parents were done wrong and the father finally found a way to get the other people back that saturday and in a way they would never know how they got stabbed in the back. I took my example a little further. I went through some horrible emotions today not knowing where my children were at other then to find out that they were in Lake Greenwood where my ex fiance's kid's birthday party was at. no not my ex. My first love. My first love of my life the one that I thought about every day up till I saw him happy with his family. I literally thought about how it would of been if I hadn't left for college and broken up with him. my current ex contacted him trying to get dirt on me. Come to find out why he hates me so much he thinks I cheated on him with a guy from Kinko's. No I only cheated on the most recent. I cheated out of pain and disgust of the current living situation. wrong yes. Most certainly. Would I do it again. No. I will never be in a relationship like i was in either.!!! So how does this all tie together is....

cranking up my life in a focused and guided way. Priority in prayer and dedication to our God. I am not diligent like I should be. I give thanks on days that are rainy and days that are to hot to stand because I am alive and I am able to get out of bed and I can hug and kiss my babies. Do I set aside time to make prayer a sacred time no. If I make prayer a priority I can see how life will have more direction to it. **back to the patient when we are called to change and we don't we suffer greatly. If we go with what life is dealing with us and able to change when the time calls life becomes much greater then what it was.** which I think is a great point to throw in here because with guidance from a power that created this world how can our life not become more then what it is. We do how we have it written to do aka the bible, how can we not over come such minor debilitating life changing experiences. ?? With a given direction we can focus on where we are going. With focus we are able to have priorities but they all go hand and hand. Not so much if you don't like Clemson you are going to hell that kinda hurt but it was good. You had to be there to understand it so next week you are going to have to come to figure out another way to Crank up your life! How are you going to be able to prioritize your life for God? If you pray do you feel that is the only thing you have to do? *hint* NO. Why is my life the way it is if I am praying? Well are you acting on what you say?? Do you ask forgiveness then do the same exact thing you just asked for forgiveness for??? You can't expect God to allow for change if you continue to do things that you ask for forgiveness he gives you that forgiveness over and over again, because he can. He also doesn't have to allow for great things if you don't ACT on your failure to withstand temptation. This is talking alot for me I am glad I am questioning this computer. I think I am going to ask this computer some more stuff and see what magically appears on the screen under my fingers :) ha ha maybe next time. with much love sweet dreams!

OOO Ridge pointe church is where I am able to get all these incredible real life examples of the bible and how it CAN apply to each and every one of us!!! So if you want it first hand come on!!! www.ridgepointechurch.com!