Thursday...

Ok I was suppose to go to work at 7 this morning and I am reallllllllly upset that I couldn't AFFORD to go to work. HOW screwy is this??? I could not afford to go to work. It is 15 mins away at Staples in Hendersonville. I LOVE LOVE LOVED it!! TOTALLY! the people were awesome warm and were beyond excited to have me there! Kinda like going to church! It was a wild experience. Wednesday I went in and took the kids to day care for the first time in their life. When I got there they were like I need a check for 63 dollars from today. (I DON"T HAVE IT IN THERE BUT I WROTE IT) I was like OK> wow. If I pay 63 dollars today and 63 dollars tomorrow and 63 dollars Friday.... HOW IN THE WORLD. Of course their father came up with an excuse that I didn't put them in a day care in SC so he didn't feel he should have to help me. It is 40 dollars cheaper down there BUT I would make it up in gas. Plus my friends wouldn't be able to help me come time for clinicals. His friends said they would help. One has 5 kids or something like that and then the other one smoke. NO. I don't think so. Oh and his parents... his mom calls my kids Bas***d children and she hates my guts. Right like I really want my kids around her either. fyi as of thursday of last week the 3rd she still felt that way, still from Sept. 2007. wow. The kids don't need that kind of tension they have been through enough this year in changes they don't need that horrible feeling of knowing that someone hates you.

So anyways I had to call out completely on my second day of work. I just want to feel real again. Not dependent on this boy that has done everything in his weak power to ruin me but it isn't going to work. I hold my head high and I carry my self with pride.

Through all this going on... I made the highest grade in my nursing class on our first test. It was an 87. not so good but I am proud that it is the highest! One other girl made a 87 as well so I guess I wasn't the only highest but what I have been through this week Thank you GOD for allowing me to have my focus on what is going to allow me to move forward in life! OH and an 81 on my nutrition test. :)

Well I must end this the twins are screaming at the top of their lungs because they want in my lap! Then they get in my lap they fight over it so no to both!

will continue... much love.

Find Community C, C, C

Ok community in my book and then preached on at church?????????????????? Shane you must be reading more then my blog!

Refrigerator buddies do not start with a C nor do bare feet buddies. Will discuss more on that

I will continue with my book tomorrow. I am going to bed with happy thoughts of tomorrow Positive. Strong and faithful that the Lord has truly kept my cheeks dry for there is no fear to cry over nor is there any worries to stress over. Prayers keep us strong and heads held high! (community of prayers) More then One prayer. Real prayers. the support and love of the community. Just really creepy but soooooooo true. I will go in more detail tomorrow!

10:00AM

Love, Peace and keeping the pedal to the carpet covered metal!

Independence Day!

Rock out!!! I am glad today is a day of independence it represents alot more then just for our USA for me. I can put double meaning behind it. Six months being single and striving to better my life for my kids! First time since college I have lived by myself it is harder then you think! Then again rhythm is the key. Once you take your step to the right direction just keep it consistent.

Ok. I am not a big reader but I have to read alot for school so my reading time is limited to my "office hours" I am reading "There Are No Mistakes" by Eleanor Wiley was a ragging alcoholic that had to face alot to be able to accept life for what it is. it was sent to me by a lovely lady that I met from working in Greenville many a years she is also the first person that knew I was having twins< she rocks!! Thus far the chapters I have read have been fabulous.
1. Honor Where You Came From I don't remember reading this part yet... the authors intro said take the chapters as you find them interesting...
2. own you Own Pain, Hurt, and Vulnerability< Yeah haven't gotten to that one yet either... I need to good part of getting REAL
3. Accept Yourself! This was a very long chapter it had alot of hard facts to face... what you get back what you put out! So you really have to stop and make yourself think what do you really want back in life when you stop being so careless and self loathing do you want everyone else to treat you like that or do you want to give it all so when there comes a time in life and you may be on the other side of that giving you will be taken care of by great care givers. Acceptence is not a way of saying "I GIVE UP" this focused on aging and getting older... during her process of dealing with her alcoholism she would say "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" That those that have made peace in life are those that they one of the only constants in life is CHANGE. As long as you remain resilient and flexible and move with grace from one situation to another. Resilience is taught by the school of hard knocks! Accepting our Feelings and STOP denying them to be discussed. Accept that you made a wrong choice... Wow this is a great part... this had a long example but the end was that taking a great leap of faith offers us a chance to discover our own strengths, learn from our intuition and it jolts us awake and it calls on us to accept ourselves as we are!!! Accepting that we don't have to = and often Can't do it all! Our generation is a great example of this. Keeping up with the Jones... you got to slow down enjoy your family and friends more then the material side of the american dream. Pracitce I'm Okay. Saying thank you without excuses. Just Say THANK YOU. Accepting what we are good at! Don't down play it. when someone admires your work believe them. accept their admiration and if you enjoy it DO IT! Don't put it aside as a favorite past time you can't help that you are good at what you do. God gave us that talent and we need to make sure we are keeping it warm and not forgotten about!

Told you that was a long chapter...
4. Tell your Story- and Allow it to evolve
this chapter covers what causes us to stop sharing our stories, Make sure it is factual, that feeling of being a burden > I hate sharing my story sometimes it makes people feel uncomfortable and if they can't help then they feel guilty of something odd... it is really weird to see people's faces change when something not the most pleasant is shared. Owning our part, Finding the right place for sharing your pain, then the only constant is Change.
5. Laugh at yourself
When you are able to see the lighter side of your life it does get easier. Then again don't laugh then cry on the inside...
6. Find Community

I am just starting on this chapter but thus far it is looking like networking your life and becoming part of something beyond yourself.

I will keep you guys posted on this it seems hitting home at the most perfect of times.

I am going to go to bed I was suppose to be doing home work We have done over 17 chapters these past 4 days and Monday is the first day to wear our scrubs... yeah!!! I am going to be feeling and looking like a real nurse... Hi, may I please take your temperature :) hehehehe After Monday I will be able to do blood pressure and I am officially can wash my hands properly ;) and I got a big paper due tomorrow and another job interview at 2. Hopefully they will offer more then 7p/h. If not then the hunt will continue! Wish me luck! I have been dying to share this book on here every time I read it I say OOO I want to share that... I don't think I covered all that I really wanted to say about it but I will go chapter by chapter now... there is only 12 chapters so we will be done shortly :) love and kisses to my invisible readers.

Duck and roll

Ok so I know now why they say roll with the punches! THEY HURT ALOT LESS! So I am going and rolling. Nothing to major I can do this. It will be fine. My life will be ok and my children are sound and secure as always. Why can I say that? Because I know each day I wake up that my children are my priority for the day. That my life evolves around their needs and no one can come in and change that! EVER. The four of us make each other possible. Without them who knows where I would be at, probably not pushing myself to better my self independence. What would be the point, I am sure I would be making plenty of money working at Fedex Kinko's I would probably be in Atlanta where single women would prosper in the world of friends. I really couldn't tell you or in the military maybe the Navy. I know I would be a lot skinner but I have some of the most blessed rolls I could ever ask for because they were stretched out to accommodate some of the most blessed individuals I could ever ask to be given.

Attorney equals money I don't have. = HUGE issue on defending myself against an unstable individual. = I can do this! I really don't know anyone else that could... I can. I know I can.

Just got Sued.

... bring it on face these iron fists of passion these are my babies your best bet is to back down! Become the coward that you are and hide your rat infested ways. The food a roach eats is only the start of your better side...

My heart races at the possibilities of outcomes. Bottom of the ninth and bases are loaded.... Is it over the fence? the crowd is in silence waiting for the split second to release their edge of their seat suspense.

more to come when I know more after 2:30pm pray!

Second day in a row!

Sunday, June 29, 2008 4:46PM

We got up and went to church this morning! A few minutes late getting in but all was worth it! Wow have I been missing that place! I have had some weird feelings about going back, but I am glad I took that giant leap of faith and went. The music, people, and message! I guess it should be changed around a bit, but we are all sinners going to our refuge spot to get shaken up a bit and refocused on the week ahead! I have truly missed having that weekly smack around by Shane! Shane is my ADD pastor that is real with life and just really hits home. Though this morning my head felt like I was swimming trying to keep up with him but the whole gist of it I think was be REAL! Stop trying to cover up your past and face it, fix it, and have FAITH in God and what he has planned for you since the moment you were conceived. Being real. That is easier said then done. Since my moment of becoming single and moving forward I have met some really interesting people, one in particular got pulled from the wreckage I guess you can say and my ex has dug this poor kids entire wrap sheet out. I am ashamed that he went and did what he did, but seeing this kids past and being able to meet the man he has stepped up to be. I am proud to say I know him. His wrap sheet is longer then most toilet paper rolls we have in our bathroom with alot of stuff none of us would want another person to know about. I blushed when my ex laid it all out in front of me, embarrassed that a person I felt was my friend could be raked over the coals AGAIN by a stranger because of me. It hurts. In the long run I look at this guy with a whole new view point. If he can change to the better like he has on his own. WOW this guy is something to be proud to know! Each person we encounter is for a reason. What reason we never really know the whole picture sometimes. It takes a lot to step back and over look alot of our past, but today wasn't about over looking it. It was becoming real with it and changing for the better. I will get to the point eventually, sorry. Facing what we have done and being Real with the past present and future. One day when I become well enough off I am going to buy myself one of those 3 stone diamond rings that represent the past present future and when I look down I know that all three exist because I am who I am and I face each day with many choices to make and I am the only one that can do what is right or make excuses for why I chose the wrong way. In the long run why make excuses? Who are we fooling? The one we are trying to fool already knows what we did and why so be real and get real with life. If you make a mistake for what ever moment of temptation we fall for the moment you snap out of stupidity get on your knees and ask for forgiveness for HE loves us and without that light what is the point of reality? There is nothing but a dark hole to finish in if we don't get real.


Tomorrow starts the first day of CNA classes. Last week was our CPR stuff which I am now able to legally save your life! scary I know. I can't wait till I can get in and do it for real!!! I am thinking maybe ER, Flight line or be a paramedic on the side?? who knows they all sound absolutely fascinating! Don't they?

Ok I don't know who is more ADD shane or myself.

The slacker that I am...

I guess you can say slacker I am going with altered time warrior. Sounds fun.?? lol. I have tons of friends that can blog almost every day. Sometimes I wonder is it really that easy? Here is my 3rd attempt to get a blog rolling maybe it will be come a habit??

I am going to start with June 23, 2008. I started my first night in my Nursing Assistant class. I am super stoaked. It is one of my requirements to get into the RN program at Isothermal Community College. Greenville Tech did not require it so I feel i am a bit behind but I can live with it. By that Thursday I was CPR certified in Adult and Infant! Yeah Me! I am moving forward in life. I have been given mountains to cross and with each and every step I am able to look up and know that my life wouldn't be what it is today without the help of God. I am still a bit fearful to leave the relms of my apartment complex but with time I will get stronger and more head strong to do such things.

Today I had a job interview!!! It was a SUCCESSFUL one at that! The 2 managers that were interviewing me were both ready to hire me and get me on board with them. The best they could offer me was 7 dollars. I know that sounds selfish of me to say I will not work for that, but I am a single mother of 3 kids with an interesting ex that doesn't always live up to his words. I am going to have to work for them to be in day care, but I can't make less then what the day care is going to charge me to have them in there. 85 dollars per week per child. That breaks down to 1020 per month. He is require to pay half. No guarantees there, the past behavior is a sample of his current behavior I can almost guarantee his future behavior if you know what I mean. Which stinks for the kids sake but I am learning how to roll with the punches. I am growing stronger each day from my need for him. Becoming single, and becoming a single mom are WHOA wow what a difference. Not even a single mom, a single mom to 3. The need for support is an understatement, Mentally, financially. There are people that you find that you never knew were such awesome people. They were that smiling face you knew but just didn't ever REALLY know! There is a reason for everything... God knows what he is doing. Let me put it this way. I live in the Ghetto. I have found 2 really strong women in the same exact place I am in, and we together will work as a team with our kids and get through this. We will move up and become stronger and wiser women and learn to love in a new way.